law of averages

what type of driver are you? below average, average, or above average? if i collated the responses of everyone reading this, i would almost be willing to put money that most would define themselves as an above average driver. what’s the problem with that? well, it’s statistically impossible for everyone to be above average.

about 15 years ago, i remember a sports psychologist asking the players in my SASI team this exact question. and, as anticipated, all of us stated we thought we were above average drivers. granted there weren’t any metrics defining what makes an average driver compared to above or below average, but it’s this illusion that we believe we are better than the majority – in social psychology terms, it’s called the dunning-kruger effect.

i was reflecting on this question the other day when considering how many average experiences i’ve had in my life whether it be with doctors, physios, dentists, coaches, coworkers, and the likes. i started to remember learning about the bell curve theory (also known as normal distribution). within this, 68% of the population fall within the first standard deviation – 68% of people are average*.

bell curve source: tom sherrington, 2013, teacherhead, accessed 30 december 2024, <https://teacherhead.com/2013/07/17/assessment-standards-and-the-bell-curve/>

if i take my experiences as a player, that means that for every coach i have, there’s an 84% chance that they’ll fall within that average or below average category. that leaves only a 16% chance they’ll be above average (exceptional [two standard deviations and above] is statistically even smaller at 2.1%). statistics were never my strength in school, so i’ve been re-educated to learn that stating it might take six different coaches (given that 16% is a one in six chance) before i experience an above average coach is actually not mathematically correct. the point though remains the same; the probability of having an above average experience, in anything we do, is very small. why is this so profound?

it's profound because as a society we expect our experiences to be above average all the time. we expect to get above average service at a restaurant, we expect to get above average treatment in a medical clinic, we expect our coworkers or peers to be above average in their drive and motivation, but the humbling reality is that most people we meet and interact with on a daily basis are in fact, average at their jobs.

since reflecting on this fact, i’ve found it to be liberating. and admittedly, it’s something i wish i had realised ten year’s earlier. it would have alleviated so many of my frustrations for wanting people to fall into above average categories when the reality is, most people will not. most experiences will not. that is why it might take you multiple appointments or candidates before you find someone who falls into this above average category. the unfortunate thing is that most people either don’t have the time, the patience, the resources, or the motivation to endure below average and average experiences before they stumble upon an above average individual. so what you find is people either avoid this process by quitting or not seeing medical professionals, or they become jaded and hyper-critical of those in those positions.

i have been guilty of both. i’ve avoided physios and dentists because i haven’t been able to find one i think excels in their profession. but i’ve also been hyper-critical of coaches; wanting them to all be above average all the time when the reality is, they statistically can’t all be above average. being reminded of this knowledge, now, has allowed me to be more understanding and more patient. it’s liberating. that doesn’t mean we have to accept mediocrity and stop striving for greatness or holding people to those standards, it merely offers an explanation for the gap between what we want and what we more often experience.

so, what type of driver are you now?

*assuming a large enough sample size

**please note, what might be an average experience for one person, might be considered an above average experience for another. 

it's time to grow up

i've asked this question many times before, but it seems to be all i can think about at the moment - at what point do you try harder and at what point do you give in? when do you need to accept the reality that some things just aren't meant to be? when is resistance a sign and when is it an obstacle to overcome?

i've been here many times in my career. i was here in 2014 when i tore my second acl. again in 2018 when i got cut from adelaide united. a year later when i did my acl for the third time. then again in 2022 when things didn't work out with an agent i'd signed with. and instead of getting there at the end of last year, when w league didn't work out for me (again), i decided to pack up my life and move across the world to pursue my childhood dream of playing professionally.

i was hopeful. eager. finally things will work out for me. they have to. i'm in a different country, where no one knows my name or has any preconceived ideas about who i am and what i can/can't do. this is my chance. but within weeks of me arriving in the UK, i quickly learnt that that dream would not be achieved in this country either. but i refused to let this experience be wasted. i still signed with a really good tier 3 side. outside of football, i've been pottering along, volunteering and coaching at as many different organisations as i can, even ones i don't enjoy. all with the hopes that one day this will pay off. one day i might be given an opportunity. one day, it might just work out for me.

but at what point do i need to just accept the reality that it's not going to work out for me? at what point do i just need to let go of my childhood dream and move on with my life. i'm 30 years old, soon to be 31 and what do i actually have to show for myself? i work casual jobs in coffee shops, i coach on the side, and i'm trying, perhaps even forcing, trying to make something of my football career. i have no stability with a career. and none of that is going to miraculous change until i can let go of playing. even transitioning into coaching - that's not a full time career. that doesn't pay you maternity leave when you decide to have kids. unless you move to any other country other than australia. but i'm done moving across the world. i'm done feeling alone. i'm done feeling like i'm swimming upstream with anything that i seem passionate about. but perhaps that's my own doing - perhaps my problem is in that being interested in so much, i've been committed to nothing. perhaps that's why my business of equipping individuals with skills to support others when they're struggling never went anywhere. perhaps that's why my playing is at a standstill. why nothing much has progressed with coaching.

meanwhile, all i can see around me are people settling down. settling into their careers. having babies. starting families. and the only people doing that? are the people that let football go a long time ago. and to be honest, i feel like that's what i need to do if i'm ever going to do anything with my life. because the reality is, i can't keep having this child-like attitude towards my life and my future - keeping all my options open, whilst simultaneously wasting away. i feel bad for my parents - two incredibly intelligent, nurturing, and accomplished individuals, watching their child do nothing with their life. wasting their intellect on futile, unrealistic dreams.

they say it's good to have options, but i disagree. sometimes you can feel burdened by choice. paralysed by an inability to commit to any one thing. and that's where i feel i am right now. i don't just have one interest; i have many. i don't just have one hobby; i have many. but perhaps it's time i start closing some doors and focusing on what will actually provide me with a stable future and direction. perhaps it's time i grow the fuck up.

be a friend

in my last post i wrote about people's need for a network, but what i was really referencing was people's need for a friend. humans are social creatures - we literally need other human beings to survive. but in a world that is becoming increasingly dominated by individualism, finding a friend seems ever more challenging.

i moved to the UK in november. i've been with this football team since january. yet i still don't feel any closer to anyone in this country. i still don't feel like i have any friends.

i know that sounds dramatic, so let me break it down - what exactly do i mean when i say 'i don't have any friends'? i mean, i don't feel i have anyone i can call to talk to, to vent to, to cry to when i'm having a shit day. i don't feel i have people i can just message to grab a coffee with. loneliness isn't about being alone, it's about feeling alone. feeling emotionally alone. feeling like you have no one in your 'circle'. and yes - i have people back home. i have my partner, i have my family. i have other friends. but none of those relationships can substitute the need for friends in the country you're residing in. friends that are accessible, within a similar social circle, and within the same time zone. a partner can't fulfill all of your needs. nor can your family. and especially not when they're on the other side of the world, sleeping, when you're going through something.

these feelings aren't foreign to me. i remember feeling like this when i was in the US too. it wasn't until my final year that i finally found a teammate who i still consider my friend today. what was different about her compared to everyone else? well she was Norwegian, so she was an international too. but the main thing she did? she took an interest in my life as i did in hers. she made an effort.

so what does it mean to be a friend? it means being interested in their life. it means asking questions. it means making effort. i've just started working at a coffee shop and there's been one individual in particular who's taken a genuine interest in my life outside of the generic football / sport small talk. and it started because she mentioned drawing is what she wants to do for a career. and i asked what sort of drawings, she said she designs album covers for musicians, that sort of thing. i then asked if she could design my book cover for when i eventually write my book. she didn't leave the conversation there - she prodded. she explored. and she did so with a genuine curiosity and excitement.

despite having been here for nearly six months, i have yet to have anyone really ask me anything about my life outside of football. without that interest, without those questions being asked, no connection can be formed. no friendship established. because curiosity has to be mutual. conversations have to be mutual. vulnerabilities have to be mutual. one person can't be the only person learning about the other, which is something i've experienced here - the insulated nature of people's lives.

not only does friendship take effort and interest, but it also takes empathy and understanding. it's acknowledging that 'wow, this must be difficult for you'. it's realising what you have and potentially take for granted, is something that someone else does not have. is there any way for you to share what you have? e.g. if you still live at home, or go to visit your family, can you invite your teammate? can you offer them a home cooked meal? i don't know about others, but i don't think you ever get too old for home cooked meals.

the other point about being a friend is not ignoring someone. i completely understand that everyone has their own lives and not everyone is accessible 24/7 - i know that i'm not. and i also know that even though i don't always (or ever!) reply straight away, i will reply. especially if it's someone i care about and even more so if i know that they're going through something. one of the worst things i think people can do is ghost someone. and it's even more painful when the last message you sent them was about something you were struggling with - something you've been vulnerable about.

this happened to me recently with someone i considered a friend - someone who said they were here to listen to me vent about my struggles in the UK because they'd been there and they understood. i sent a voice note to them, basically holding back tears of how alone i feel in the UK. of how i'm struggling with the passing of a soccer coach from back home and have no one to talk to about it. i never got a reply to that message - which again, is okay - i get that people have shit going on in their own lives and sometimes don't have the emotional capacity to support someone else when they're struggling. so i sent a message asking if they were okay, if a phone call would work better to catch up and chat. and despite all of this happening nearly a month ago, i still haven't had a reply. yet i see them posting daily on social media.

so what is the effect of this? and how damaging can it really be? i think the worst part is this person is very well aware of how i've had significant people in my life literally go MIA when i've needed them the most. and still to this day without an explanation despite multiple attempts by me to get in contact. yet, this seems to be the pattern unfolding again. although this undoubtedly says more about them and potentially what they're going through, it still fucking hurts. it hurts to feel abandoned by those you're supposed to trust the most. by those whom you have been vulnerable with. with those who are supposed to be your friend.

people might dismiss this and say 'they're clearly not you're type of person' - but let's be real, many of us aren't inundated with a surplus of friends. it takes time to develop friendships. it takes courage to be vulnerable; to open yourself up to another. so to lose one, on the back of already losing many in your life in a similar fashion, it fucking hurts.

another aspect about being a friend is the exchange of information, especially if that information could benefit someone else. what i will never understand is when people hoard information. hoard contacts. hoard assistance. i'm unsure if others have experienced this, or perhaps it's a product of the football/soccer community, but i've found people to be particularly unhelpful. if i have a teammate interested in playing in australia, i'm giving them every contact i know. i'm explaining everything i know about the leagues, structure, payment, restrictions etc. and if they were interested in coming to adelaide, i'd help them find a place to stay. or at the very least, put them in contact with someone who could. a player from back home also travelled to the UK to trial over here and i shared with her all the email addresses i had found online to save her the hassle and time of doing that herself. in contrary, a former teammate who i've known for a long time was very well aware of my intentions to move to the UK. she was also aware of the GBE points required to play professionally. yet did she share this with me? absolutely not. part of being a friend, or simply a decent person, is adding value to others' lives with no expectation of that being reciprocated. it's doing for others perhaps what you had wished someone had done for you.

so what do i recommend? i think all of us need to be better at being better friends. and i'm not saying you're going to befriend everyone you come in contact with; that's not realistic. but i think the least we can do is take an interest in their lives. to ask questions. to be curious. there is no greater feeling than the feeling of being understood and seen. but i think so many of us are living in the worlds inside our heads because no one seems to be taking an interest to learn about them. so how can you take an interest in someone else's life? how can you make an effort? and if someone has the courage to be vulnerable with you, please, for the love of god, don't fucking ignore them. even if you have your own shit going on - just say that. "hey i really want to be there for you right now, but i've got quite a bit going on emotionally and i don't want to do a disservice in giving you half-assed replies. i'll touch base when i'm in a better place." the more communication, the better. "a lack of communication leaves too much room for imagination." don't be shit. be a better friend.