WE ARE NOT THE STORIES WE TELL OURSELVES

"many people are afraid to heal because their entire identity is centred around the trauma they've experienced. they have no idea who they are outside of trauma and that can be terrifying." @eboneedavis

for the past three years i've spoken about finding an agent for soccer so i can pursue some of my childhood dreams of playing w-league and a more recent dream of playing in italy. in 2019, i spent the entire year and countless hours re-watching games, cropping highlights, and writing individualised cover letters to w-league coaches. i asked my S&C coach at the time to please help me - he had contacts and had offered this service to others so i didn't think it was a stretch to ask him to help me. i had a fantastic season - i performed well and my highlight video looked pretty good. but, i had no interest.

i had no interest, but i also had no advocate. there was no incentive for my S&C coach to help me - i wasn't a rising star, i wasn't a super talented individual, but what i had above talent, youth, and speed were character, a work ethic, and experience. three things you can't teach. but things not many coaches seem to care about when winning and losing is all that matters.

in 2020, i was just excited to be playing again. after re-tearing my acl in late 2019, i was forced to let go of my dreams. i became grateful for every minute i got to play because it was a minute more than i thought i would get again. but in 2021, i had another fantastic season. with both my team and on an individual level. my coach backed me - believed i could be playing w-league. but again, nothing came to fruition. instead, i am seeing girls i played with 10 years ago, girls who can't even play in their local wnpl, playing for other w league teams.

"i need an agent."

i've been saying this for the past six months. it's the hot trend at the moment too. everyone has an agent. i asked my coach if he knew of any agents and he said yes. but i didn't ask more. i've asked friends if they know of any agents and they've given me a name, but i haven't sent that message. so, what's stopping me?

fear. fear on a multitude of different levels. i'm afraid of putting myself through what i've been through so many times before - of holding on to hope, only to be disappointed by the system. i'm afraid that i might be given an opportunity, only to be deemed not good enough, or not fast enough. i'm afraid of the work that is involved in playing at that level. i'm afraid of going down that path; the path of commitment and politics. and i think on some subconscious level, i'm afraid to let go of the story i've been telling myself.

for the past 10 years i've been overlooked by the system. these experiences have been the foundation of so much of my writing and life philosophies - my "unsuccess story". but what if i finally achieve what i've wanted to achieve? does that invalidate all that i've written and believed? does that make me just like everyone else who's writing from a position of having 'made it'? am i intentionally sabotaging myself, by being passive rather than active, just to validate this internal schema i've developed?

in life, we regret more of what we don't do than what we do do. if i don't try now, i will become too old. i have a small window to make something happen. so, it's time i sent that message. it's time i stopped being passive. it's time i started to re-write this story i've been telling myself.

PASSIVITY IS CONTROLLING OUR LIVES

three years ago i was sitting in a doctor's office being told "it's your acl...again." my brother and i then raced off to the airport as we were flying to melbourne to see fleetwood mac that night. i cried the entire flight. i cried whilst walking the streets of melbourne. and i cried in the cafe in which i poured my feelings into a blog post.

what struck me was that for the four hours in which i cried continuously, in front of many strangers, not one person stopped to ask if i was okay. if i needed a tissue, a hug, an ear.

now i get it - people don't want to intrude. i was a stranger - it's not like they had any affinity to me as a human or any reason to involve themselves in my life. so they didn't. but this is exactly what's wrong with society - we're so afraid of taking an interest, of being seen as intrusive, we would rather let our fellow human beings not only feel shit with what they're feeling, but also alone in what they're feeling.

as humans, we're failing. we're failing to fulfil the basic duties of being human. basic duties which include taking responsibility for those around us. showing up. taking an active interest. caring. when we ignore humans in distress, we're choosing comfort over connection. we're choosing fear over love.

this approach is costing us our lives. it's costing us our friendships, our relationships, our jobs. the rich keep getting richer and the poor, poorer. bullies keep bullying. all because we're afraid to get involved. afraid to get out of our comfort zone. not taking a stand is taking a stand - it's standing with the perpetrators.

when we stand up for others, it benefits us as well as the person we're standing up for. it gives us a purpose and it makes the other person feel protected and safe. let me be clear, i'm not asking you to involve yourself in others' day-to-day business, but i am calling for you to take responsibility for your peers on a basic, human level. if you see someone upset, ask them if they're okay. don't ignore them. the world needs more connection, more compassion, more active interest.

so, what is your passivity costing you?

WHAT WE DON'T PUNISH, WE INADVERTENTLY REINFORCE

we teach others how to treat us by what we reinforce and what we punish. so when someone acts adversely towards you or towards another and we choose to do nothing, we're actually doing something. we're telling that person that how they're behaving is okay; we're reinforcing their actions.

B.F. Skinner, a famous psychologist and behaviourist, coined this operant conditioning. he believed that our behaviours are a product of what's been reinforced and punished throughout our lives.

how many times have you experienced or witnessed something adverse and chosen not to say anything, to 'keep the peace'? inaction is action. it's reinforcing. if someone's behaviour is not sufficiently punished when it is out of line, i can guarantee that individual will repeat that behaviour. and probably with more potency and pain too.

when people witness something adverse, their response is often to not get involved. to not choose a side. but no side is taking a side. what we don't stand up for, we're agreeing with. keeping the peace does nothing more than reinforce to the perpetrator that their behaviour is okay. human beings have an innate ability to know what is right and just, but by not involving oneself in situations that are unjust, we are saying it's okay to treat others poorly; to be unjust.

so how do you punish someone's behaviour? firstly; focus on the behaviour, not the person. secondly; be firm. the punishment has to be severe enough to deter that individual from attempting that behaviour again. any weak stance ends up being reinforcing. thirdly; be consistent. any inconsistent punishment will also serve to reinforce their behaviour because the individual will think there's a chance they can get away with it. fourthly; be prompt. any delay in the delivery means the individual will not associate their behaviour with the punishment. and lastly; punishment is more successful when something is taken away (negative punishment). so if someone has said something adverse, cease communication for a period of time. this time and space also provides a platform for the individual to reflect and take accountability for their actions.

so what behaviour in your life have you been inadvertently reinforcing? and how can you apply these principles of punishment to alter that individual's behaviour? remember, inaction is action. no side is a side. and a friend to all is a friend to none. do you choose comfort or do you choose what's right?

"in the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr