BE FAKE OR BE TRUE?

there's a situation in my life that has been gnawing at me for quite some time. and instead of taking the wisdom from my former posts on conflict resolution, i've chosen to avoid it.

i haven't passively avoided it though - i've actively tried to understand the other person and both their feelings and behaviours. but despite this attempt, i still find myself infuriated by the situation. and i also find myself conflicted: do i choose to be compassionate, showing support and concern for this individual whilst also acting like everything is okay, or do i stay true to my feelings and avoid contacting them?

i feel this situation is compounded because much of what i discuss is about being compassionate, understanding, and loving. but no matter how hard i try, this dominant feeling of anger prevails. so this is where i'll reference doing what you want.

did i want to message this person? no. did i want to be supportive of this person? no. but did i? yes. what ensued was not a feeling of relief for 'being the bigger person' but instead, resentment. resentment because they didn't respond how i wanted them to. resentment because i wasn't being true to how i felt. and resentment because i did what i didn't want to do.

the reality is, sometimes you are going to be angry. sometimes you're going to be bloody pissed off. and instead of trying to suppress those feelings, you have to let yourself feel them. until those feelings run their course, they'll continue to taint every interaction thereafter. forcing yourself to be compassionate before you're ready, before you've felt what you've needed to feel, will not result in relief, but resentment.

i'm all for confronting your feelings - but the other person has to want to listen. has to be open to listen. and if they aren't? nothing you say or confess will change that. so sometimes the best course of action is to just let things run their course. let your feelings run - separation can create the perspective you need to be everything you can't right now. and that's okay.

so when it comes to being fake or being true? i say, be true to you.

WE AVOID WHAT'S UNCOMFORTABLE

how many times have you put off an uncomfortable conversation? and how many times have you been relieved once you've actually had that uncomfortable conversation?

as humans, we have a tendency to opt for the familiar, the comfortable. any time conflict arises, we avoid. we procrastinate. we act like it doesn't really bother us. but when does anything ever get resolved when we take this approach?

having difficult conversations and expressing your feelings is both scary and confronting. scary because you're exposing yourself to judgement and rejection. you're making yourself vulnerable. and it's confronting because you might be admitting to things that you think shouldn't bother you. things that might make you seem conceited. selfish. jealous. but the reality is, admitting to these feelings makes you none of those things - it makes you human.

within this space of discomfort is an opportunity - an opportunity for the other person to see you as just that - a person. a person just like them. a person with needs, just like them. and a person with feelings, just like them.

by avoiding these conversations, you avoid giving the other person an opportunity to see you for you. you also miss out on that person offering an explanation that might reassure you, that might ease your mind and your feelings. i'm guilty of this too. just the other day i was avoiding a difficult phone call because i was afraid of how the other person would react. but rarely has the other person ever responded adversely. more often than not, people respond with compassion, kindness, and gratitude. gratitude for letting them in. and compassion because they understand; they can relate and they can empathise.

confronting your feelings is hard; it's uncomfortable. but it's also extremely rewarding. it's within this space of discomfort that true vulnerability and connection lies. without it, what are you connecting over? the facade that everything is okay? let's delve deeper than superficiality; let's get real. let's get human. let's get connecting.

so, what difficult conversations have you been avoiding?

WINNING ISN'T EVERYTHING

this year i co-captained the salisbury inter soccer club to their first ever wnpl trophy. we made history for the club. and we would go on to do it again, and again, and claim the treble - something only one other team in the WNPL has ever been able to accomplish. achieving something so rare should feel amazing - we made history and i played a significant contributing role in that. for some people, this could be one of their greatest highlights of their lives. so why don't i feel any of that?

whenever i experience an emotion contrary to how i feel i'm supposed to feel, i immediately internalise and i question myself - is it because i don't value winning? don't value awards and achievements? is there something wrong with me? did i not enjoy my season? not get along with my teammates? or is there something more at play here?

last year when we were knocked out of the final series, i wrote a post on achievements look good on your resume, but connections look better on your eulogy. and i wrote this to highlight that the connections we made with each other were more important than whether we won or loss. but shouldn't it stand that to win with people you enjoy playing with, would be one of the greatest feelings? why then do i still feel very apathetic about our achievements this year?

this year, we were the team to beat. we undeniably had the best squad on paper. that doesn't mean our wins were guaranteed nor that we didn't have to work for them - we did. but we were expected to win. and something about being expected to win takes away from the sweetness of victory.

and our team - we all got along. we didn't have any drama. and we had a strong culture. but despite all of this, despite ticking all of the boxes of what you'd want from a strong team and culture, i still felt detached from my teammates. i didn't feel like i knew them. and it's in those moments of knowing others that i really remember, that i hold as a greater achievement.

so despite winning three championships this year, my highlight of the season was still our pre-season trip. getting to not just see teammates outside of soccer, but getting to know them too. and maybe that's just me - maybe it's just because i value connection more than winning and achievements. but i also suspect i'm not alone in my thinking either - i think our most treasured moments have been experienced through something you can't measure, through moments of mutual love, understanding, and vulnerability.

so what have been some of your greatest highlights in your life? winning a championship, or connecting with someone?