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Writer's picturenicole calder

Updated: Nov 15, 2021


i always thought that to be with someone there had to be an initial spark. an initial attraction. an initial desire. my current relationship has challenged these beliefs - not only is it possible to later develop these feelings, but perhaps it's a more organic and genuine way of approaching a relationship.


when i met my current partner, there was nothing but a deep love and respect for her. i never saw her as more than a friend. she was the person i sought when i needed comfort. the person i kept wanting to hang out with. and the person i wanted to move in. but as a friend, not a lover.


during the first six months that she lived with me, i was in a relationship with someone else. and so our friendship was strictly that - friends. neither of us allowed our thoughts to consider feelings for the other. instead, we were able to get to know one another without any ulterior motive - i showed her the worst sides of me, and she of her. and the best part? we accepted the other. because that's what we do with friends - we accept them unconditionally.


why does this change for a partner? it's as though when we meet someone we're romantically interested in, we have expectations of who we want them to be and how we want them to behave. but is that accepting them as they are? is that the most organic way to get to know someone?


take dating apps - you're on there looking for a partner or a fling. so when you meet this person, you're asking, "do i like them?" "could i sleep with them?" yet, you know nothing about them. do you ever meet a stranger and ask, "will this person be my friend?" probably not. and that's because we allow friendships to unfold naturally - but for relationships, we're always in a rush to label and define it.


that's where i feel extremely lucky - i was able to get to know my partner platonically for a year before anything transpired. within that year, we saw every colour of each other. we saw these colours without filters. without reservations. because neither of us intended nor expected for the friendship to transpire. and to me, that's the most pure and organic way to find someone. and, it's also been the most rewarding.


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Updated: Nov 15, 2021


read that again.


this is one of the most liberating phrases you will ever read.


often in life we tend to do two things - we tend to take things personally and we tend to make assumptions about others' lives. but the reality is, you will never fully understand anyone nor the reasoning behind their decisions. and especially not if one approaches the situation from a place of defensiveness and hurt.


i first came across this concept in 2012 when i read the art of happiness by the dalai lama. within these pages i realised that we as humans are all the same - we all have a heart, we all have a brain. and we all want the same two things - we all want happiness and we all want to avoid suffering. people's decisions then, are made to optimise their happiness and to minimise their suffering - they are NOT made to hurt you, nor to make your life more difficult.


so when someone's actions have upset you or hurt you, instead of projecting that pain onto them and questioning why they're doing this to you, approach it from a position of understanding - try to comprehend what might be going on in their life for them to be behaving the way they are.


rarely do people do things to hurt others - they do things to protect themselves. and when someone is struggling, which can sometimes result in isolating themselves or other self-sabotaging behaviours, they already feel shit. the last thing they need is to be made to feel worse for something they already feel.


so the next time you're upset by someone else's actions, try to remove yourself, your ego, and your hurt and instead try to accept, to understand, and to be compassionate.

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Writer's picturenicole calder

for the past few months, i've devoted myself to training individuals to support others when they're struggling. but in particular, my focus has been on equipping individuals with skills to detect and support others who may be suicidal.


but as i sit here teaching this, i feel like a fraud. because late last year i had someone who was suicidal and i failed them. i saw the signs. i risk assessed. but i failed to do the most important thing - show up.


i was distracted. i had something, someone, new and exciting in my life and i failed to process the severity of the messages i was receiving. i was too caught up in myself that i let this person down. they needed someone, they needed me, and i wasn't there.


thankfully, this individual is still here today. and fortunately, they hold no resentment nor animosity towards me for failing them. but it still weighs heavily on my heart. especially because this is what i'm teaching, yet i failed when i was tested myself.


the reason for this post is not to seek sympathy nor to throw a pity party - i take responsibility for my actions or lack thereof and i share this because i too, am human. i too, am imperfect. and i too, will fail. despite all of my training, all of my experiences, in that moment i still failed. the challenge for me is to forgive myself. to forgive myself for being imperfectly human. and to use this as a lesson to never let someone down again.

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