ABSENCE OF TRUST

over the past couple of years, i've been fortunate to give a few team talks to the team i play soccer for, Salisbury Inter Soccer Club, and within these talks, there have been two main focal points: trust and safety.

Patrick Lencioni's five dysfunctions of a team and Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs are my reference points. the former discusses that the primary dysfunction of a team is an absence of trust. without trust, people are afraid of conflict - this manifests as staying quiet in meetings, gossiping, cliques, and division between management and staff or coach and players. when people are afraid of conflict, they don't speak their mind. when people don't speak their mind or voice their opinion, they don't feel invested in the environment and there's hence, a lack of commitment. if individuals aren't committed to an environment, they certainly won't feel accountable when something goes wrong. and when this occurs, an inattention and indifference to results ensues - the individual becomes more important than the team.

so how does this tie into maslow's hierarchy of needs? well, how can a team establish trust? is trust a passive process or is it something that can be actively created? i believe the latter to be true but it's created within the second tier, within safe environments. i believe you can't have trust without safety and that's why so much of my focus within teams but also relationships in general, is about establishing a safe environment. on being a safe environment.

when people feel safe, they're more likely to be vulnerable. when people are vulnerable, that's when trust is founded. when trust is founded, people will speak their mind and conflict then prevents drama. and it's within this space of conflict resolution and vulnerability that people feel more connected; they become a team.

if this is something you think your team or workplace might benefit from, please get in contact with me about organising a time to have a chat. humans naturally want to get along - but when environments aren't suited for these behaviours to occur, individuality and selfishness become the dominant behaviours.

THE IMPORTANCE OF GETTING YOUR NEEDS MET

for those of you who know me, you'll know that maslow's hierarchy of needs is one of my favourite pyramids to reference. i spent many years focusing on love and belongingness, but in the past couple of years i've realised that without safety, love and belongingness cannot occur. establishing safe environments then, has been at the forefront of my mind.

a few months ago, i had an epiphany. there's a reason all of these needs need to be met before self-actualisation can occur. self-actualisation to me, means freedom. freedom of thought, freedom of heart, freedom of life. it's within this space that people are most creative; where they solve big ideas. where instead of focusing on themselves, they think about others and how they can make a difference. and it's a space i feel i currently reside. and i reside only because all of my other needs are being met.

when our basic physiological needs aren't met - when we're hungry, tired, in a drought - what usually happens? we become grouchy. what also happens is that our mind then becomes preoccuped with these things - food consumes our every thought. sleeping becomes our daily goal. and sex leads us to engaging in desperate behaviours. the same too occurs when we feel unsafe. we focus on surviving, not thriving. we focus inward, rather than outward. when we don't feel loved, we act out. we create situations to validate what we feel. and when we doubt ourselves, we question our decisions. we become consumed by what others think.

but what happens when these needs are met? when we feel satiated? safe? loved? supported? secure? confident? where then does our mind go? what would you think about if you weren't stuck on a situation? on a person? on trying to fulfil these needs that aren't being met? in essence, what would you think about if your mind was free to think about anything? what does your self-actualised self look like? and what needs do you need met in order to get there?

HOW DO YOU END A RELATIONSHIP?

is there ever a way for a relationship to end amicably?

yes.

but how you behave often determines how that person behaves.

so how do you end on good terms?

1. take ownership for your feelings. use "i feel" statements - “you” is a triggering word and immediately gets the individual on the defensive.

2. try to respond rather than react. when feelings are involved, emotions become heightened. and when feelings are hurt, our ego wants to protect, project, and fight. but acknowledging this, acknowledging that your feelings are hurt and that you need to step away to process what's going on, allows for those heightened emotions to subside. distance creates perspective.

3. state your reasoning for ending the relationship. remember, a lack of communication leaves too much room for the imagination. it's likely that the other individual might not be able to see / understand your reasoning at first; because their pain blinds them to what's rational. but once the pain lessens, your reasoning can aid in their ability to move on and move on amicably.

4. when stating your reasoning, don't blame. acknowledge the differences in values, needs, and beliefs, and the incompatibility of getting them fulfilled. acknowledge that this isn't about you or them; it's about not being compatible for one another. respect them enough not to ask them to change for you but also respect yourself enough not to change for them.

5. let them go. don't blur those lines. don't confuse them with messages of “i miss you”. don't use them as emotional support until you find someone better. give them the space to grieve, and give yourself the space to grieve too. break ups are difficult, but they're often exacerbated by our inability to let go. we prolong the process because of the ease in which we're accessible through technology.

through all of this remember, this is someone you once, and probably still do, love. they are human, just like you. they are hurting, just like you. so choose compassion and understanding in all that you say and do. because how you leave will stick with them and it tells them everything about who you are as a person. so how are you choosing to leave?