THE IMPORTANCE OF GETTING YOUR NEEDS MET

for those of you who know me, you'll know that maslow's hierarchy of needs is one of my favourite pyramids to reference. i spent many years focusing on love and belongingness, but in the past couple of years i've realised that without safety, love and belongingness cannot occur. establishing safe environments then, has been at the forefront of my mind.

a few months ago, i had an epiphany. there's a reason all of these needs need to be met before self-actualisation can occur. self-actualisation to me, means freedom. freedom of thought, freedom of heart, freedom of life. it's within this space that people are most creative; where they solve big ideas. where instead of focusing on themselves, they think about others and how they can make a difference. and it's a space i feel i currently reside. and i reside only because all of my other needs are being met.

when our basic physiological needs aren't met - when we're hungry, tired, in a drought - what usually happens? we become grouchy. what also happens is that our mind then becomes preoccuped with these things - food consumes our every thought. sleeping becomes our daily goal. and sex leads us to engaging in desperate behaviours. the same too occurs when we feel unsafe. we focus on surviving, not thriving. we focus inward, rather than outward. when we don't feel loved, we act out. we create situations to validate what we feel. and when we doubt ourselves, we question our decisions. we become consumed by what others think.

but what happens when these needs are met? when we feel satiated? safe? loved? supported? secure? confident? where then does our mind go? what would you think about if you weren't stuck on a situation? on a person? on trying to fulfil these needs that aren't being met? in essence, what would you think about if your mind was free to think about anything? what does your self-actualised self look like? and what needs do you need met in order to get there?

HOW DO YOU END A RELATIONSHIP?

is there ever a way for a relationship to end amicably?

yes.

but how you behave often determines how that person behaves.

so how do you end on good terms?

1. take ownership for your feelings. use "i feel" statements - “you” is a triggering word and immediately gets the individual on the defensive.

2. try to respond rather than react. when feelings are involved, emotions become heightened. and when feelings are hurt, our ego wants to protect, project, and fight. but acknowledging this, acknowledging that your feelings are hurt and that you need to step away to process what's going on, allows for those heightened emotions to subside. distance creates perspective.

3. state your reasoning for ending the relationship. remember, a lack of communication leaves too much room for the imagination. it's likely that the other individual might not be able to see / understand your reasoning at first; because their pain blinds them to what's rational. but once the pain lessens, your reasoning can aid in their ability to move on and move on amicably.

4. when stating your reasoning, don't blame. acknowledge the differences in values, needs, and beliefs, and the incompatibility of getting them fulfilled. acknowledge that this isn't about you or them; it's about not being compatible for one another. respect them enough not to ask them to change for you but also respect yourself enough not to change for them.

5. let them go. don't blur those lines. don't confuse them with messages of “i miss you”. don't use them as emotional support until you find someone better. give them the space to grieve, and give yourself the space to grieve too. break ups are difficult, but they're often exacerbated by our inability to let go. we prolong the process because of the ease in which we're accessible through technology.

through all of this remember, this is someone you once, and probably still do, love. they are human, just like you. they are hurting, just like you. so choose compassion and understanding in all that you say and do. because how you leave will stick with them and it tells them everything about who you are as a person. so how are you choosing to leave?

LETTING GO

what's considered a setback and what's considered a sign?

when is it called persistence and when is it called stupidity?

suffering isn't noble. yet we suffer because of our inability to let go of our ideas of how things should be. we suffer because society glorifies pain and suffering; it romanticises unhappiness and hard work. apparently grit is one of the most important ingredients in success, but who's definition of success are we using as a measure?

i think success has far less to do with what we actually achieve and more to do with how we go about achieving it. are we dedicating ourselves to a goal, a dream, because of our masochistic nature? because of our attachment to the unrealistic belief we can achieve anything we want if only we work hard enough? a belief that negates the role of luck in determining where we end up?

what i'm questioning is not the decision to take a passive approach in life, but rather, choosing the path of least resistance. think about the last time you really wanted something - did you have to work really hard for it? or did things just 'align' for you? this is applicable not just for jobs, but relationships too. how hard did you have to fight to 'make things work'? how much did you suffer in the name of 'love'? and what would happen if you just chose to let go - to let go of the person and of how the relationship 'should' be? what then, might fall into place?

sometimes when we attach ourselves to certain goals and dreams, we lose sight of what might truly fulfill us. and instead of fulfillment, we experience disappointment and suffering. but when we have the courage to let go - to let go of certainty and control, we enter a space of free-fall. and it's within this space that what is meant for us, will find us.