HOW DO YOU END A RELATIONSHIP?

is there ever a way for a relationship to end amicably?

yes.

but how you behave often determines how that person behaves.

so how do you end on good terms?

1. take ownership for your feelings. use "i feel" statements - “you” is a triggering word and immediately gets the individual on the defensive.

2. try to respond rather than react. when feelings are involved, emotions become heightened. and when feelings are hurt, our ego wants to protect, project, and fight. but acknowledging this, acknowledging that your feelings are hurt and that you need to step away to process what's going on, allows for those heightened emotions to subside. distance creates perspective.

3. state your reasoning for ending the relationship. remember, a lack of communication leaves too much room for the imagination. it's likely that the other individual might not be able to see / understand your reasoning at first; because their pain blinds them to what's rational. but once the pain lessens, your reasoning can aid in their ability to move on and move on amicably.

4. when stating your reasoning, don't blame. acknowledge the differences in values, needs, and beliefs, and the incompatibility of getting them fulfilled. acknowledge that this isn't about you or them; it's about not being compatible for one another. respect them enough not to ask them to change for you but also respect yourself enough not to change for them.

5. let them go. don't blur those lines. don't confuse them with messages of “i miss you”. don't use them as emotional support until you find someone better. give them the space to grieve, and give yourself the space to grieve too. break ups are difficult, but they're often exacerbated by our inability to let go. we prolong the process because of the ease in which we're accessible through technology.

through all of this remember, this is someone you once, and probably still do, love. they are human, just like you. they are hurting, just like you. so choose compassion and understanding in all that you say and do. because how you leave will stick with them and it tells them everything about who you are as a person. so how are you choosing to leave?

LETTING GO

what's considered a setback and what's considered a sign?

when is it called persistence and when is it called stupidity?

suffering isn't noble. yet we suffer because of our inability to let go of our ideas of how things should be. we suffer because society glorifies pain and suffering; it romanticises unhappiness and hard work. apparently grit is one of the most important ingredients in success, but who's definition of success are we using as a measure?

i think success has far less to do with what we actually achieve and more to do with how we go about achieving it. are we dedicating ourselves to a goal, a dream, because of our masochistic nature? because of our attachment to the unrealistic belief we can achieve anything we want if only we work hard enough? a belief that negates the role of luck in determining where we end up?

what i'm questioning is not the decision to take a passive approach in life, but rather, choosing the path of least resistance. think about the last time you really wanted something - did you have to work really hard for it? or did things just 'align' for you? this is applicable not just for jobs, but relationships too. how hard did you have to fight to 'make things work'? how much did you suffer in the name of 'love'? and what would happen if you just chose to let go - to let go of the person and of how the relationship 'should' be? what then, might fall into place?

sometimes when we attach ourselves to certain goals and dreams, we lose sight of what might truly fulfill us. and instead of fulfillment, we experience disappointment and suffering. but when we have the courage to let go - to let go of certainty and control, we enter a space of free-fall. and it's within this space that what is meant for us, will find us.

WHAT WE RESISTS, PERSISTS

sometimes life can be shit. there's no denying that. but often when we experience undesirable feelings, we try to run from them rather than embrace them. but what we resist, persists. when we try to suppress and distract ourselves from these undesirable feelings, what we find is that those feelings not only linger, but they end up strengthening over time.

i was recently experiencing these undesirable feelings. the end of any relationship brings about an onslaught of loneliness. a feeling that is so incredibly uncomfortable because of how isolating it feels. a feeling we so often try to numb with things like drugs, alcohol, hollow sex, and technology. but for anyone who has used any or all of the above coping mechanisms will have realised, they don't work. those feelings of loneliness persist. because the only way to get over those feelings, is to sit with them. to experience the shittiness of them in full force. and as painful and miserable as it can be, it's within this darkness that a genuine appreciation for connection can be found.

a couple of weeks ago i ran an activity with my 15s that i'm coaching. half of the players sat inside the circle while the other half (coaches included) sat on the outside facing them. the task was simple: stare at the other person for a minute without talking.

simple? yes. uncomfortable? absolutely! and what did we do when we got uncomfortable? we laughed. we tapped. we counted. but most importantly? we sat through it. and we sat through it together. now although this wasn't a formal experiment, i'd be willing to bet all of those players, and coaches too, felt more connected to one another purely for the fact that we sat through that uncomfortableness together. we shared that experience. we were human - together.

and that is what makes us human - these uncomfortable, undesirable feelings. it's what bonds us. connects us. unites us. but when we refuse to sit with those feelings, we're not only doing a disservice to ourselves, but to our fellow peers too. for without that discomfort, how we can ever truly connect?