LETTING GO

what's considered a setback and what's considered a sign?

when is it called persistence and when is it called stupidity?

suffering isn't noble. yet we suffer because of our inability to let go of our ideas of how things should be. we suffer because society glorifies pain and suffering; it romanticises unhappiness and hard work. apparently grit is one of the most important ingredients in success, but who's definition of success are we using as a measure?

i think success has far less to do with what we actually achieve and more to do with how we go about achieving it. are we dedicating ourselves to a goal, a dream, because of our masochistic nature? because of our attachment to the unrealistic belief we can achieve anything we want if only we work hard enough? a belief that negates the role of luck in determining where we end up?

what i'm questioning is not the decision to take a passive approach in life, but rather, choosing the path of least resistance. think about the last time you really wanted something - did you have to work really hard for it? or did things just 'align' for you? this is applicable not just for jobs, but relationships too. how hard did you have to fight to 'make things work'? how much did you suffer in the name of 'love'? and what would happen if you just chose to let go - to let go of the person and of how the relationship 'should' be? what then, might fall into place?

sometimes when we attach ourselves to certain goals and dreams, we lose sight of what might truly fulfill us. and instead of fulfillment, we experience disappointment and suffering. but when we have the courage to let go - to let go of certainty and control, we enter a space of free-fall. and it's within this space that what is meant for us, will find us.

WHAT WE RESISTS, PERSISTS

sometimes life can be shit. there's no denying that. but often when we experience undesirable feelings, we try to run from them rather than embrace them. but what we resist, persists. when we try to suppress and distract ourselves from these undesirable feelings, what we find is that those feelings not only linger, but they end up strengthening over time.

i was recently experiencing these undesirable feelings. the end of any relationship brings about an onslaught of loneliness. a feeling that is so incredibly uncomfortable because of how isolating it feels. a feeling we so often try to numb with things like drugs, alcohol, hollow sex, and technology. but for anyone who has used any or all of the above coping mechanisms will have realised, they don't work. those feelings of loneliness persist. because the only way to get over those feelings, is to sit with them. to experience the shittiness of them in full force. and as painful and miserable as it can be, it's within this darkness that a genuine appreciation for connection can be found.

a couple of weeks ago i ran an activity with my 15s that i'm coaching. half of the players sat inside the circle while the other half (coaches included) sat on the outside facing them. the task was simple: stare at the other person for a minute without talking.

simple? yes. uncomfortable? absolutely! and what did we do when we got uncomfortable? we laughed. we tapped. we counted. but most importantly? we sat through it. and we sat through it together. now although this wasn't a formal experiment, i'd be willing to bet all of those players, and coaches too, felt more connected to one another purely for the fact that we sat through that uncomfortableness together. we shared that experience. we were human - together.

and that is what makes us human - these uncomfortable, undesirable feelings. it's what bonds us. connects us. unites us. but when we refuse to sit with those feelings, we're not only doing a disservice to ourselves, but to our fellow peers too. for without that discomfort, how we can ever truly connect?

SAY SORRY

even if you don't think you're in the wrong.

apologising doesn't mean you accept the other person's behaviour, nor does it mean you don't value yourself. apologising means that you value your friendship, your relationship, and your overall life more than your ego.

because being right is just that, it's egoic. to be right means the other person is wrong - this implies superiority and inferiority, whereas apologising eradicates those lines. apologising humanises the connection. apologising humanises you.

it can be extremely difficult to say sorry in a situation where your ego stubbornly tells you you're not in the wrong or that you don't need to. and it can be even more difficult when you're hurt by the other person's actions. but when you do eventually say sorry, what you'll find is it diffuses the situation and it's often followed by another apology: theirs. because saying sorry is vulnerable. it's humbling. it's hard for anyone to stay mad or upset when an individual steps outside of their ego to genuinely apologise. because what you're left with is just that - a human. a human exactly like you. a human that wants to love and be loved. a human that wants happiness and to avoid suffering. and apologising does just that.

so the next time you are adamant you're not in the wrong, that you don't need to say sorry, ask yourself this - is the cost of saying sorry really worth destroying your relationship? is your ego really that big that it's unable to see what's important? unable to put itself aside to preserve the one thing we were put on life to experience, connection? can you take off your hurt, stubborn hat and put on your understanding, forgiving hat?

forgive others, not only for them, but also for you. saying sorry won't kill you, but not saying sorry could cost you your relationships.