DO WHAT YOU WANT

because why would you want to do something you didn't want to do?

i suspect for many people there's a significant amount of resistance that arises within them upon reading that statement. i often hear things like, "but it's not that easy!" or "sometimes in life you have to do things you don't want to do." but i want to challenge that belief: why do we need to do things we don't want to do?

Brené Brown gives a fantastic talk on how the most compassionate people are also the most boundaried people. what she means by this is that these are people that say no to doing anything they don't want to do. and it makes sense. when you do something you don't want to do, you're entering the situation from a negative perspective, from a place of resentment, dislike. and the person who has asked you to do this thing has no idea you're feeling this way - they assume you want to do it, because again, why would you do something you didn't want to do?

people often argue it's to make another person happy. but does it really? would you want someone to stay with you who really didn't like you? would you want to stay with someone who you really didn't want to be with? why do we glorify suffering as though it's a noble, normal quality? what if we instead, valued our happiness over social norms and niceties? where then might we be?

doing things you don't want to do is also fake. it's misleading. this is often why i've said being selfish is the most selfless thing you can do - when you only do what you want, you're filled with nothing but love, joy, and kindness. but when you do things you don't want to do, there's a negativity about it and bitterness and resentment often ensue. so the next time these latter feelings arise within you, check yourself. are you really doing what you want to do? and if the answer is no, what do you want to do? and how can you go about making this happen?

*i'm a full supporter of doing what you want so long as doing so doesn't take away someone's freedom nor causes them pain.

THE BEAUTY OF PERSPECTIVE

love blinds us. when we're with someone, we're so caught up in ‘making it work' we don't stop to consider whether this is actually the best path for us. being in a relationship is revered amongst society; being single is not. it's almost a silent marker of success to have someone by your side. yet, how many people in relationships are genuinely fulfilled? are living their best lives? are free? and how many are living in fear? in deprivation?

people talk about how relationships require compromise but i've never liked that phrase. i don't think you need to change who you are for your partner. i believe in love being expansive, not restrictive. if a partner has needs that aren't being met, can you fulfill those needs without sacrificing your values or beliefs? or is your partner asking you to compromise these? to choose them over choosing what's right? often we choose them because preserving the relationship appears more important than preserving our integrity and character.

when conflict arises in my life, i check myself. i take a step back and try to understand the other person. to comprehend their behaviours, their words, their attitudes. but in the midst of understanding, i can become accepting of behaviour that really isn't in alignment with who i am and what i believe. it's often not until a relationship is over, until separation has occurred, that i can clearly see how the relationship really didn't bring out the best in me.

and that is what a partnership ought to be - it's not about 'just having someone'. it's about having someone who makes you the best version of yourself. who challenges you to be better. who supports you in becoming better. and who embraces you for all that you are. not someone who asks you to compromise your values and beliefs to appease them. relationships are a partnership requiring mutual comprehension and mutual effort. when only one party is committed to understanding the other, imbalances and a loss of self occurs.

although this relationship might appear to be the most important thing, the relationship with yourself is more important. so take a step back - do you like the person you’re becoming?

STAND UP FOR OTHERS

imagine a time when you were being bullied or a time when you were being uncomfortably hit on - how hard was it to stand up for yourself? to tell that individual, or individuals, that their behaviour was causing you distress?

if you're like most people, it would have felt near impossible. and that's because it's extremely hard to stand up for yourself. to protect yourself in moments of vulnerability. and that's why it's so important to stand up for others.

when i look back on my life, there have been four distinct instances where i've felt protected. where i've had friends and family stand up for me, fight for me. and that feeling? it makes you feel worthy. safe. valued.

i'm a firm believer in standing up for what i believe to be right and fair. any time i see a slither of behaviour that resembles bullying, i vouch to put an end to it. so too whenever i witness a situation i deem to be unfair or unjust. i have a really difficult time witnessing situations in which individuals are being subjected to snide remarks or unfair treatment and yes, i'm guilty of overstepping boundaries in speaking up. but i would rather be disliked for what i said than disliked for what i did not.

so the next time a situation comes up that makes you feel uncomfortable because of how someone is being treated, can you say something? can you stand up for them? protect them? show them you have their back? because chances are, they're not going to stand up for themselves. but, there's strength to be found in numbers, and you can be that number. you can be that difference.