STAND UP FOR OTHERS

imagine a time when you were being bullied or a time when you were being uncomfortably hit on - how hard was it to stand up for yourself? to tell that individual, or individuals, that their behaviour was causing you distress?

if you're like most people, it would have felt near impossible. and that's because it's extremely hard to stand up for yourself. to protect yourself in moments of vulnerability. and that's why it's so important to stand up for others.

when i look back on my life, there have been four distinct instances where i've felt protected. where i've had friends and family stand up for me, fight for me. and that feeling? it makes you feel worthy. safe. valued.

i'm a firm believer in standing up for what i believe to be right and fair. any time i see a slither of behaviour that resembles bullying, i vouch to put an end to it. so too whenever i witness a situation i deem to be unfair or unjust. i have a really difficult time witnessing situations in which individuals are being subjected to snide remarks or unfair treatment and yes, i'm guilty of overstepping boundaries in speaking up. but i would rather be disliked for what i said than disliked for what i did not.

so the next time a situation comes up that makes you feel uncomfortable because of how someone is being treated, can you say something? can you stand up for them? protect them? show them you have their back? because chances are, they're not going to stand up for themselves. but, there's strength to be found in numbers, and you can be that number. you can be that difference.

TRY HARDER OR LEAVE?

one of the hardest questions to ask yourself is do i try harder or do i leave?

and often that question isn't as straightforward as it seems. it's multifaceted, requiring context and some other, deeper more probing questions. questions like how long have you been trying to 'make things work' for? what's your threshold of happiness? meaning, what percentage of your days, your weeks, are you willing to feel unhappy, unfulfilled for? what needs do you have that aren't being met? have you communicated this to your partner, and how has your partner responded? do they get defensive, or do they proactively make an effort to change? are they willing to grow with you, or grow apart from you?

are you asking your partner to be someone they are incapable of being? to change them? to compromise their values and beliefs? what would happen if those needs of yours continued to be unmet by your partner - is that something you could live with? or would it consume you?

and what is your role in the demise of this relationship? how are you meeting their needs? how are you supporting them? are you taking responsibility where responsibility is due?

relationships and love aren't simple. they're complex. they're also not something we ever learn how to navigate. we're never taught how to communicate our needs, nor are we taught how to meet the needs of others. whenever i've been confronted with the aforementioned question, i ask myself what value is this relationship adding to my life and what is it costing me?

is there a sense of security in having a partner? absolutely. one of life's greatest feelings is to love and be loved in return. to feel wanted. but is that sense of security worth your inner peace? are you constantly fighting that which cannot be fulfilled by this person? is this relationship truly satiating your needs or leaving you deprived, disappointed, unheard?

so perhaps the two most important questions to ask yourself are: how do you want to be treated and how are you wanting to feel? use these answers to decide whether to stay or leave.

IF NOT YOU, THEN WHO?

how many times have you met someone and thought, holy shit, they're crazy? and because of that, you've decided they're too much. being friends with them, or lovers with them, is too hard. too toxic. too consuming.

in a former post i mentioned that people become 'crazy' when their needs aren't met. people act out. i know this not only because i've witnessed it, but because i too have been guilty of acting out when my needs weren't met. but imagine if every time you acted out, someone decided you were too much to deal with. too 'crazy'. and they left you. how then would you ever feel worthy? loved? secure?

the truth is, you wouldn't. and those behaviours would not only be reinforced, but strengthened. many of us act out because we don't think we're worthy of being loved - we create situations which validate these beliefs. we push people away to confirm the belief that we are indeed unlovable. but what if someone didn't leave? what if instead, they committed to sitting with you through that? what if instead of punishing you, they accepted you. validated you. loved you. where then might someone be?

all it takes is one person. one person that accepts them. that shows them they are worthy of being loved. that they are accepted as they are. one person to transform them. and if it's not you, then who will it be? so how can you be this person? how can you be the difference in that person's life?