TRY HARDER OR LEAVE?

one of the hardest questions to ask yourself is do i try harder or do i leave?

and often that question isn't as straightforward as it seems. it's multifaceted, requiring context and some other, deeper more probing questions. questions like how long have you been trying to 'make things work' for? what's your threshold of happiness? meaning, what percentage of your days, your weeks, are you willing to feel unhappy, unfulfilled for? what needs do you have that aren't being met? have you communicated this to your partner, and how has your partner responded? do they get defensive, or do they proactively make an effort to change? are they willing to grow with you, or grow apart from you?

are you asking your partner to be someone they are incapable of being? to change them? to compromise their values and beliefs? what would happen if those needs of yours continued to be unmet by your partner - is that something you could live with? or would it consume you?

and what is your role in the demise of this relationship? how are you meeting their needs? how are you supporting them? are you taking responsibility where responsibility is due?

relationships and love aren't simple. they're complex. they're also not something we ever learn how to navigate. we're never taught how to communicate our needs, nor are we taught how to meet the needs of others. whenever i've been confronted with the aforementioned question, i ask myself what value is this relationship adding to my life and what is it costing me?

is there a sense of security in having a partner? absolutely. one of life's greatest feelings is to love and be loved in return. to feel wanted. but is that sense of security worth your inner peace? are you constantly fighting that which cannot be fulfilled by this person? is this relationship truly satiating your needs or leaving you deprived, disappointed, unheard?

so perhaps the two most important questions to ask yourself are: how do you want to be treated and how are you wanting to feel? use these answers to decide whether to stay or leave.

IF NOT YOU, THEN WHO?

how many times have you met someone and thought, holy shit, they're crazy? and because of that, you've decided they're too much. being friends with them, or lovers with them, is too hard. too toxic. too consuming.

in a former post i mentioned that people become 'crazy' when their needs aren't met. people act out. i know this not only because i've witnessed it, but because i too have been guilty of acting out when my needs weren't met. but imagine if every time you acted out, someone decided you were too much to deal with. too 'crazy'. and they left you. how then would you ever feel worthy? loved? secure?

the truth is, you wouldn't. and those behaviours would not only be reinforced, but strengthened. many of us act out because we don't think we're worthy of being loved - we create situations which validate these beliefs. we push people away to confirm the belief that we are indeed unlovable. but what if someone didn't leave? what if instead, they committed to sitting with you through that? what if instead of punishing you, they accepted you. validated you. loved you. where then might someone be?

all it takes is one person. one person that accepts them. that shows them they are worthy of being loved. that they are accepted as they are. one person to transform them. and if it's not you, then who will it be? so how can you be this person? how can you be the difference in that person's life?

BAGGAGE

everyone has it. the goal in life is not to find people without baggage, but to find those people whom you're willing to sort through their baggage with.

your role as a friend, or as a partner, is not to take their baggage and carry it as your own. no, it's to help that person sort through their baggage. to provide a safe space in which they feel comfortable to unpack their baggage. to help them rearrange, if necessary. to colour coordinate, if necessary. or to cull, if necessary. to do whatever they need to do to process whatever it is they need to process.

our role in someone's life is not to fix them, nor their problems. our role is merely to accompany them on their journey, to support them when they need support. people don't need fixing, they need understanding.

comprehending this concept is not only liberating for the individual involved, but so too for you. people's problems aren't burdens - they're merely problems. often we think of others' problems as being burdensome because we try to take on what was never ours to take on in the first place. their past and their problems are their lessons to learn. that doesn't mean you can't still be an extremely supportive friend, you can. but being a friend means knowing your role, and your role is not to save. not to fix. not to carry their baggage. your role is to listen, to support, and to understand.