COMMUNICATION ISN'T THE KEY

comprehension is.

our society focuses heavily on individuals being responsible for the situations they are in, yet they fail to consider the impact the environment plays on the individual's wellbeing.

when it comes to mental health, most programs focus on building resilience and coping mechanisms for the individual struggling. but how often do people ever get 'better' alone? and how often do they require other people? what if instead of focusing on the individual, we focused on those supporting the individual? on the environment in which these individuals reside?

when it comes to relationships, i can be the world's best communicator. i can communicate my needs in a clear, concise, calm manner, but at the end of the day, if my partner doesn't have a desire to understand, if my partner can't understand, then it really doesn't matter what i say. communication isn't key, comprehension is. and comprehension is the ability to try to understand where another is coming from. to understand their pain. their behaviours. their needs. and to respond in a way that makes them feel heard, seen, validated. it's on the environment, the person listening, that determines the level of connection in the relationship.

and in the same token, it's on society, on the environments in which individuals reside, that determines the health and wellbeing of individuals. individuals don't do well when they want to do well, individuals do well when they can; when the environment is conducive for their success.

so with that in mind, and in the words of Max Goodwin from New Amsterdam, how can i help?

WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT INGREDIENT IN ANY SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP?

a willingness and commitment to resolving issues.

what i’m learning is that relationships are less about finding the perfect partner - the partner who ticks all of the boxes. the partner who shares the same values, interests, desires. the partner who meets all of your needs. you can have all of that, and still have a faltering relationship. relationships are about a commitment to working things out - to moving, to growing, to learning with and from one another.

humans aren’t perfect. so it’s unrealistic to expect our partner to be perfect or perfect for us. relationships are messy because humans are messy. we all have our quirks, our insecurities, our idiosyncrasies. the goal is not to find someone without these, the goal is to find someone and not only see them for all of this, but also accept them for it too.

so perhaps the most important questions to ask of a relationship are not do they love me, but are they willing to grow with me? to resolve issues with me? to listen? are they open? do they acknowledge hurt when they hurt us? will they accept their wrongdoings when they are wrong? do they then commit to minimising these behaviours? and how are they when they are mad?

loving someone doesn’t mean you overlook their flaws - loving someone means you accept them despite their flaws. and it’s about being in reality - about acknowledging the imperfection of yourself, your partner, and your relationship. “we come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.”

THE CONTRAST NECESSARY IN GENUINE APPRECIATION

"you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone." why is it that we need to lose something to appreciate it? and can we ever truly appreciate that which we have not been without?

what i'm discussing here are not materialistic items. what i'm talking about are things like support, connection, kindness.

if you've always felt supported, do you really appreciate your friends when they support your work? your games? or is it something that's a given and you don't actually notice their support?

if every time you've asked for help, it's been answered with a willingness to assist, can you truly appreciate what you're being offered?

if you've never had your heartbroken, can you ever really appreciate the love you're experiencing?

i find myself being overwhelmed at times with a sense of gratitude towards others in my life. whether it's the friends that support me in my ventures, partners that sit with me in my darkness, or individuals that attend my games. and i find myself being grateful because i know what it feels like to be without. to feel unsupported. to feel rejected. to be alone. to stare into crowds not recognising a familiar face. and those feelings of hurt and pain are what allow me to truly appreciate and experience the joy and gratitude that i do.

if someone has never known darkness, the dull light of a candle will go unnoticed. but for someone who has only known darkness, that candle will be the brightest light they have ever seen. and it's within pain and suffering that the most beautiful of souls have emerged. the souls with an appreciation not just for life, but for others as well. and it's these individuals in which i choose to associate.