belonging cues

i've now been in the UK for a month. and within this time i've experienced a multitude of new environments - whether that's meeting my partner's family, exploring new cities, or the various trials i've been to. new environments are inherently daunting. they're unfamiliar. they're uncomfortable. but there's a few things people can do within these environments that make the world of difference to someone who is feeling apprehensive.

admittedly i've been fortunate that in all the trials i've been to, everyone has been extremely nice. i haven't experienced the cattiness or bitchiness that can sometimes accompany a potential 'threat' in a new environment. having said that, some teams have been more welcoming than others, with one in particular standing out. so how can you make someone feel welcome? what are important actions to execute to ensure that an environment feels as safe as it possibly can?

1. prior to arrival, the first thing a team can do is to communicate. make sure that you've explained clearly how to get to a location - where you need to go, where you can park, what you need to wear, and where / who you're going to meet. i arrived at my very first trial here to a boom gate which i couldn't enter, and a car park i had to walk half a mile from just to get to the club rooms. i then couldn't find the team, only to find out that they were in a meeting before heading in for a gym session - none of which was communicated to me prior. on the contrary, other clubs clearly communicated their plans for the evening, where to meet, and the people i might meet during my trial (coaches, staff etc). giving people this information prior to their arrival helps to build familiarity in an unfamiliar environment. it also helps to make the individual feel like they're a priority rather than an afterthought.

2. upon arriving it's imperative to have someone meet the person - whether that's a captain, a coach, or some other teammate. it's then important to get them to show the person around or introduce them to others. new environments can be overwhelming. you're trying your best to learn 20 people's names in the space of 5 minutes (and you're going to forget a lot of them). having someone who identifies themselves as the point of contact can aid in making someone feel comfortable. almost like a buddy in a way.

3. be forthcoming with assistance, especially if someone isn't local to an area. do they need somewhere to stay? somewhere to eat? what are their plans after training? do they need help finding a job? can you share some of your knowledge of the area to aid in the individual having to investigate and discover these things for themselves. better yet, can you include them in some of your plans. in novel environments, when someone is feeling apprehensive, they're unlikely to ask for help. anticipating what someone might need can go a long way in ensuring they feel both safe and comfortable.

4. use forward focused language. when people are trialling at multiple places, they're essentially putting the team on trial too. they're assessing - is this a good fit? am i welcome here? will i be valued? things like using forward focused language can help an individual feel like they're a part of the team. e.g. things like - "you'll score a lot of goals for us this season" or "when are you signing for us?"

5. acknowledge their strengths! no matter how experienced or confident an individual is, they're not immune to feeling the effects of self-doubt in new environments.

6. follow up promptly. make sure you seek the player out to have the conversation. don't wait for them to come to you. ask them when they're coming back to train with you again. ask if there's anything you can do to help them in coming back. and acknowledge their strengths. players want and need to feel wanted. coaches that are indifferent, that don't have a plan for a player's return or a plan for the player to sign, make the player feel like they're not that valued. if someone is interested in you, they'll make it known.

7. uniforms. i've mentioned this in "how to make someone feel valued" - the sooner that individual can look like everyone else, the sooner they'll feel like everyone else - the sooner they'll be an insider rather than an outsider.

as i mentioned, i've now trialled at five different clubs. admittedly the first two clubs were only for a session, but the last three have been for a week. and there's one club, one person, that stood out to me in executing the majority of the points mentioned above. this person spoke to me prior to training, asked me about my past, then during training acknowledged my strengths. he could see i was good in the air and said "you're going to cost me a lot of money this year with scoring goals." this is vastly different from a previous team who, upon scoring multiple goals in training from set pieces, claimed it was due to my height rather than skill.

the biggest thing this coach did though, was he asked where i was staying that night. he then offered his number and said "if you're bored later, we're going to this bar if you want to hang out." not only was this an opportunity to socialise, but he also offered to pick me up. to take the uncertainty out of being in an unfamiliar environment. and to create an opportunity to learn more about one another. the following day he followed up by asking if i wanted to meet in the city to go shopping for christmas attire and proceeded to show me around the club's facilities. admittedly this team trains from 3-5pm so it's a lot easier to have these sort of interactions but it's a stark contrast to opposing teams and their approach. i ran into coaches from a team i had just trialled with at a restaurant for dinner. they said hello, acknowledged me, but then didn't invite me to sit with them. so i ended up eating alone. it might not seem like a big deal, but that's the difference between someone feeling like an insider and an outsider.

other coaches and teams have been seemingly okay with me trialling for other clubs. there's two ways to interpret this: these coaches are extremely nice and understanding of my situation, wanting me to explore all options before making a decision, or they're indifferent if i sign for them. this has been one thing i've really struggled with in the UK. if anyone of quality trials with a team in Adelaide, we are doing whatever we can to sign them. even if we can't guarantee a starting position, if they have ability, add value, and don't cost a fortune, why wouldn't you sign them? why would you risk a decent player playing for an opposition team? if someone wants you, they make it known. it would be like going on a date with someone and them saying, "i'm okay if you go on other dates and i don't see you again for another month." you just wouldn't do that. again, it's the importance of forward focused language.

it's also important to invite an individual to more than one trial. i think that's what was so hard about the trial i had with an a-league team - it was a one day trial, the day after a game. as a coach here mentioned, "i'm not willing to assess anyone off one session. because they're nervous, it's an unfamiliar environment, no one is going to excel in that." acknowledging the role that an environment has on an individual is imperative for being unbiased in your selection process.

so what does all of this come down to? it comes down to making an environment feel safe. the safer individuals feel, the more confident they'll be. as i've referenced previously with Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs - there are certain things individuals need before they can reach their excellence. even prior to feeling safe, people need basic physiological needs met. food. water. sleep. stability. if a team can assist in any of those, it goes a long way in making an individual satiate the next tier of needs - safety. the next tier above safety is love and belongingness. so what are some ways you can make someone feel like they belong? use belonging cues. daniel coyle talks about these in the culture code. use phrases that communicate, you are part of this group, this group is special, and i believe in you.

dissecting this one team's behaviour, they executed these cues by inviting me into their group. asking me to socialise. sitting with me for lunch. asking me when i was signing. getting excited when i was on their team because i'm a 'class' player. they communicated that their group is special by the facilities they have access to and they further communicated their belief in me with their forward focused language.

so the next time you have someone new trial for your team or workplace, are you able to think about the aforementioned points. how can you make them feel safe? what belonging cues are you sending them? can you be forthcoming with assistance, rather than waiting for them to come to you? and how quickly can you get them to put pen to paper? to make their uncertainty, certain?

moving abroad

12 years ago, at the ripe old age of 18, i packed up my stuff and i moved to the US to play college soccer. now i'm 30 and i've decided to move to the UK to play football. so what's changed? and what have i learnt?

when i was 18, i was at a very different stage of my life. i had just finished school, i had a job i was only working at for 15 hours a week, funding for australian camps had just been cut, and the sasi system was about to be removed. moving abroad made sense. college was a way to get a free education whilst playing the sport i loved in a professional environment. i was excited about the move - i had nothing keeping me in adelaide and i was yearning for life experiences. everything was set up before i left australia - i had a team, i had teammates, i had accommodation, and most importantly, i had my parents accompany me for the first two weeks of the move. the importance of this cannot be understated - they were a constant. a support. they knew what i needed before i knew i needed it. they were the familiar in the unfamiliar. when they left, i was set. i had a US bank account, a US sim, and 9 months later, i would have a car that my Dad helped me find and buy.

fast forward 12 years and i find myself going through a similar process, but everything seems different. everything feels harder. and i'd be lying if i said i'm glad i moved.

so what's been so much harder about this move? the unknowns. i don't have a team. and until i find a team, i can't find a job. i can't look for accommodation. and i don't have my family here to drive me wherever i need to go. i'm beyond fortunate to be set up at my partner's cousin's place, but despite the connection to my partner, they’re essentially strangers in the same way i am to them (although they’re becoming more familiar the more time we spend together). they've got a life, they've got work, and their priority is not getting me set up in the same way my parents did 12 years ago (*just to clarify, by no means do i expect or think i should be a priority to them). so everything i plan, i have to plan around hiring a car or public transport. which as you might imagine, can be extremely limiting and costly.

the first day i got here i sent emails out to 40 different clubs. and i've heard back from a few at various times, but some of their replies have sent me into a spiral because they've asked questions i quickly learnt i was unequipped to answer. apparently in order to play professionally in the UK, you need to apply for an international sports visa. but the only way to get an international sports visa is to have a club apply for one on their behalf. they also need to be certified to sponsor you and if not, they need to apply to become certified. a lot of work for a club that knows nothing about you. not only this, but you also must qualify with enough GBE points. and the only way to qualify for GBE points? is to have played a-league. no one who has played WNPL in Australia, regardless of their ability, can then come to the UK and sign a professional contract. why does this matter? well it limits who you can play for. most tier 2 clubs are professional clubs meaning i can't play for them. everything seems to come back to this unrelenting fact that i haven't played a-league. i came here in attempt to make something of myself, despite the fact i haven't played a-league, and it appears i'm still being limited based on that fact. it's like i've got this big black cloud, this big black fuck off fact that i haven't played a-league, following me everywhere, limiting not just soccer experiences, but work experiences in australia too. i wanted to become a public speaker for pickstar - couldn't. hadn't played a high enough level (despite growing up in young matildas squads). i wanted to get the pfa to cover my c license. couldn't. despite being on a professional contract at inter, i wasn't considered a 'professional' (because i haven't played a-league [despite being signed in 2017 as an injury replacement]). it's like when you try to apply for your first job - bosses want you to have experience. but how do you get experience if no one gives you a chance? i often wonder the player i could have been had i been afforded an opportunity 6 years ago when i moved back to australia. or even 15 years ago when adelaide united first started up again.what did they have that i didn't? an opportunity and a coach that gave them a chance, at the right time. i'm still waiting for that opportunity. but my time is running out.

the other reality i'm finding is that all of these clubs are in the middle of their season - they have a squad, they have a team, they're not necessarily going to prioritise an international player coming in. so i'm finding the process to be rather slow. but i get it - this is a priority to me, but it's not to a club. i thought being in this country might make it easier, especially with my willingness to trial and get there however i can, but it's not as simple as that. i also thought that with my passion, my eagerness to learn, and my desire to be involved in coaching at a club, it would make me an ideal candidate for anyone to sign me. but again, my experiences have yet to bring these beliefs to fruition. in one way, not having a name gives you a fresh start, but in another, it means no one knows your character. they don't know your value. so you have to show them - which can be difficult during a finite trialling period.

so i don't have soccer yet. but it's more than just not having soccer. i don't have coaching. i don't have teammates. i don't have boxing. i don't have that support network that comes from immediately meeting new people. i also don't have a job. i don't have my family. i don't have my partner. and i don't have my cats. i know this seems like a minor fact, but my cats have been the biggest constant in my life for the past 11 years. my cats were there for me in the US when i had nothing else. they were there during my darkest days. they have literally saved my life. and not having them, even just something to look forward to when coming home, is hard. some people keep telling me to relish in the freedom, but this isn't freedom. this is isolation. i look at this week and i'm stressed because i have nothing to do during the day. there's only so long you can keep yourself self-stimulated for. and i wonder how long humans can last without having any form of purpose before they start going mad and getting depressed. i've written often about connection being the antidote to depression, but what happens when you don't have connection? hope is what motivates you to alter your situation, but how long until the hope well runs dry?

i guess at times when i question, what the fuck have i done? or have i made the right decision? i have to remind myself of everything i felt back in adelaide. i can't go back. not yet. not until i've learnt something. not until i've experienced what i've wanted to experience here. living in adelaide makes me angry. i'm resentful about my experiences. and i know that if i go back too soon, that bitterness will continue to dominate my experiences - as both a player and a coach. and i don't want that. i need to broaden my experiences which is the reason i moved to the UK. living in adelaide is insular - it's a small town. even living in australia is limiting. we're so far behind the rest of the world with the standards of coaching and resources. i have to keep reminding myself that this is an investment into my wellbeing. it's an investment into my future as both a player, coach, and eventual parent. it's hard now, but most things that are challenging end up being rewarding. the lessons i've learnt already will no doubt assist me in offering advice to other players wanting to move abroad. my advice to them based on my experiences so far? bring someone with you. whether that's a partner, a family member, or a friend, having a familiar in a world of unfamiliar makes the world of difference.

Coaching Philosophy 3.0

This season I played a more active role in coaching. After a one-year hiatus, I took upon the role of coaching the U17s team at Salisbury Inter. Despite coaching these girls two years ago, this year was different – I was the sole head coach. And admittedly I had more time than I did in 2021. What was the result? Coaching consumed me this year – I found that in my spare time I’d be reading threads on Twitter or LinkedIn, anything that challenged or inspired the way I coached. I also took more of an active role within my WNPL side – constantly analysing training sessions and games, wondering how I could improve sessions or what I thought the team needed to work on. I feel like I’m in a golden era because I’m able to both play and coach – so everything I do I’m analysing from both perspectives. As a player, how do I find this? As a coach, how would I address this? The beauty too of playing and coaching is that I still have the connections with my teammates as they see me as their captain rather than coach. I think when you officially transition into the latter, a barrier often arises which hinders your learnings of their feelings.

So why am I revisiting my philosophy now? Although I still firmly believe in everything I wrote back in 2020 (which forms the basis of my coaching philosophy), I wanted to shift my attention to more soccer principles. This year has been pivotal in cementing my desire to coach at a higher level. I have thoroughly enjoyed coaching juniors, and there’ll always be a large part of me that enjoys connecting and mentoring these young girls. But as an individual, I thrive on learning. And that’s where I’m at – I want to learn. I’m still a very young coach in the sense that I don’t know a lot about soccer. But I want to learn. I want to learn from others who do the things I can’t. From coaches who know things I don’t. Especially with regards to technical and tactical knowledge of the game. Sure, I could go through the process of getting my coaching licenses (which I inevitably will do), but I think we can learn so much more from experts around us. From coaches who have had ‘success’ – not with their results, but with their connections and retention of players.

How do you define success as a coach? Most people probably look at a coach’s coaching history and evaluate their ability based on the trophies they’ve won – but is that all there is to coaching? One thing that I find really hard to do is to distinguish whether a team is successful because they’re a great team or because they had a great coach. The reality is, there’s no way to know the influence a coach has had on a team. There’s no way to know whether a coach has truly helped a player develop, or whether they’re developing naturally because of exposure and increased playing time. For example, I look at the players I coached this year and all of them have improved from where they were two seasons ago. But that’s not because of me. Some of these girls are doing things I’ve never taught them to do. So I can’t take credit for their development – that’s all them. All I have done though, is create an environment which has seemingly been conducive for their development. So how then, can you determine if a coach is a decent coach? My litmus test is threefold – do players learn and improve, individually and collectively? (Development). Are players motivated to do more; are they engaged? (Motivation). And do players want to play for the same coach again? (Retention).

I know as a coach I don’t have the technical knowledge, yet, to really help players improve technically. What I can do though, is create a safe environment. An environment in which these individuals feel comfortable trying new things without the fear of being yelled at. That comes to the core of my philosophy – safety. Without safety, no one can reach their excellence. Without safety, people are focusing on surviving rather than thriving. Players know when they’ve made a mistake. The worst thing you can do as a coach is yell at that player for it. If a player repeatedly makes the same mistake, over and over, I believe it’s then the coach’s duty to coach that player. They’re not making a mistake because they want to, but because they lack the knowledge or the skill to do otherwise. As a coach, you need to look at where are they making the mistake? What part of the field? When are they making the mistake – under pressure or no pressure? What is happening before they make this mistake? Are they aware of what’s around them (an information issue)? Or are they simply choosing the wrong pass / making the wrong decision? If the latter, why? What have I been communicating to my players?

When giving feedback, quite often coaches give generic phrases, “You turn the ball over too much,” without considering the environment. When does this happen, and why does this happen? Is it possible the player doesn’t have other options? Is it possible that in a coach communicating “play directly” that that is contributing to a higher turn over rate? As a coach, the first thing you must do is look inward. What role have I played in this individual’s mistake? What role have I played in this team’s performance? What can I do to ensure this doesn’t happen again? What can I do to get the best out of this individual player? Self-awareness then, is a core quality that I value. So too an openness for being wrong.

All coaches are human. And part of being human means making mistakes. There have been multiple times already in my coaching career where I have admitted that I was wrong. Whether it was the approach I took with the team, tactical decisions I made on game day, or overlooking a player for a team in which she should have been selected for. The beauty of admitting your mistakes is that it humanises you. And by humanising yourself, you build trust. You build rapport. You build connection. But you also defuse the situation. It’s very hard to be angry at someone who admits they fucked up. But again, this all requires individuals to be introspective.

As mentioned in my previous coaching philosophy, my coaching style is very much a Q&A style. At the end of the day, I don’t know everything. And there’s a high chance players are able to see something on the field that I can’t. By asking them questions, they’re then engaged. They’re contributing to the team and the solution. They’re also then developing their own critical thinking skills. I ask questions like, “where are we vulnerable?” or “how does the opposition look like they’re going to score?” Then I might ask, “how do we prevent that? What do we need to do?”. My role as a coach isn’t being a dictator, it’s being a facilitator. Creating an environment in which individuals solve their own problems. The more engaged players are, the more empowered they feel, and the more connected they are to playing for each other (see Patrick Lencioni’s Five Dysfunctions of a Team).

For most of my life I’ve been overlooked for teams based on what I can’t do – on the fact that my GPS data doesn’t show a maximum speed of 28km/h or higher. For that reason, I refuse to be a narrow-minded coach. I will select players for what they can do. If a player doesn’t have speed, I guarantee they’re probably smarter than a player who does have speed. I don’t care for GPS data. I don’t care for fitness tests. I don’t care about anything other than a player’s effectiveness on the field. What I mean by this is (e.g. for a centre back), how often is this player beaten? How often does the opposition play through our defence? How many goals are we conceding? Assessing a player’s ability based on arbitrary data that few people can actually change is limiting and narrow-minded. Lionel Messi ran the least distance out of any player at the men’s world cup but guess what? He was still the best player. Speed, distance, high speed running, none of that guarantees an effective, influential player.

In regards to fitness testing, the reason I don’t care for them is because what do coaches even use them for anyway? As a player, never has a coach used fitness tests as a reason not to play me. Nor have they tailored my conditioning based on the results. I find testing to be an unnecessary anxiety-provoking element of the game, yet few have questioned its relevance. If a player has an excellent running style, I guarantee they’ll excel in testing. But how does that correlate to their effectiveness on the field? How does that relate to their ability to run out 90mins? How does that relate to this concept of being fit for football? What this means is their ability to make the same quality decision in the 90th minute as they were able to in the first minute. How does running a beep test or yo-yo test translate to making better decisions? It doesn’t. The best way to get fit for football is to actually play football. Not lifting weights in the gym, not running 1km time trials, no, the best and only way to get conditioned to play a game of football is to just play.

Another aspect of my coaching style that I want to challenge for others is this concept of ‘pretty football’. Many coaches have an obsession with wanting to keep possession because they claim it’s ‘nice to watch’. Japan vs Spain in the Women’s World Cup – Spain had 77% possession but lost 4-0. Possession doesn’t guarantee results. Yes, you need the ball to score. But why do you need to make 20 passes before you can score? What isn’t pretty about playing a well-weighted ball over the top to a striker? I again argue the effectiveness of the former. As a coach, I’m looking at playing in a way that creates the most opportunities to score and the least opportunities to concede – however that looks, I don’t care.

Games are invariably won and lost by a team’s ability to convert their chances. In regards to training, how much time do you devote to shooting? Quite often coaches will probably say less than 20%. If soccer is all about scoring, why then do we devote such little time to practicing that? For that reason, almost all of the drills I design will have an element of shooting and scoring. Keeping possession, again, means nothing if players can’t convert their chances.

As a coach, what I’m looking for in a player is intelligence. How are they able to maximise their strengths, whilst minimising the exposure of their weaknesses. Better yet, how are they able to exploit the weaknesses of an opposition? What are they doing when every other player has mentally ‘switched off’. Are they looking for the quick throw in? The short corner? Intelligence will win you games you potentially ‘shouldn’t’ win. The other qualities I look for in a player relate to my three non-negotiables: work ethic, attitude, and body language. These are three qualities players are always in control over. Players can’t control the mistakes they make, but they can control their reaction. Do they work hard to win the ball back, or are they taken out of their game because of negative body language? The best player to me is not the player who scores the most goals, but the player who makes all other players better. That’s the type of player I want playing for me. The player who sacrifices personal glory for the team. And sometimes these players don’t step a foot on the field. Quite often your most important players are actually your bench players. Why? Because they determine the culture of the team. Are they pushing the starting players to be better by challenging for their positions? Are they positive on the bench? Or are they resentful, bitter, negative? How a coach manages the players who don’t play communicates a lot about their ability to coach. How are they keeping these players engaged and motivated? What conversations are they having? Are they being honest and transparent, or selling lies because they want to avoid a difficult conversation? I read somewhere that the success of your life is directly proportional to your willingness to have difficult conversations. Are they uncomfortable? Absolutely. But they’re necessary. And again, they make you human.

I know I don’t know everything there is to know about coaching, but I am willing to learn. I also admit that many of the statements I’ve claimed here have the potential to change – and that’s okay too. As humans, we’re constantly evolving. Which is why I believe it’s important to intentionally revisit the things we believe to ensure that is still what we believe. That is what I have tried to do here. If you’re interested in reading just how much my philosophy has evolved, please read my former posts; Coaching Philosophy 2.0 and Challenging Coaching.