TRUST PATTERNS

a few years ago, i wrote the following quote: "give me your words and i'll give you nothing. give me your actions and i'll give you my trust. show me consistency and i'll give you my heart."

this quote was inspired by the old age phrase, “actions speak louder than words.” i like to take it one step further though - i encourage people to trust patterns. patterns don't lie, but actions can. someone can be horrible 99% of the time, but do something nice in one moment. is this one action worthy of you giving them your heart?

in the same token, someone can be amazing 99% of the time and mess up once. does that one mistake really warrant dismissing the entire relationship and connection? or is it possible to understand that hey, this person is human and part of being human means they're guaranteed to make mistakes. as bob marley says, "everyone is going to hurt you, you just have to find those worth suffering for."

another important consideration is - does your partner make a conscious effort to change their behaviour? once you've addressed how something hurt you, do they alter their behaviour? or do they keep repeating these 'mistakes'? humans aren't perfect, so no relationship will ever be perfect either. what's important though is the commitment to growth - to resolving whatever it is that arises. to acknowledging hurt when hurt has occurred and taking responsibility for one's role in that. but, the growth comes from the change. and the best way to measure change? through their patterns.

so the next time someone does something really nice for you or the next time someone makes a mistake, ask yourself, is this a consistent occurrence? or is this a once off? find the pattern - past behaviour will invariably predict future behaviours. patterns don't lie, but words and actions can.

HUMBLING TRUTHS OF THE ELDERLY

growing old isn't easy. it's challenging and often confusing. not only is this a difficult process for those experiencing the ageing, but so too those witnessing their ageing.

one of the symptoms of old age is this idea of 'losing your mind'. the ability to comprehend reality becomes distorted, so too one's ability to engage others in meaningful conversations. this is humbling because the best and seemingly only way to connect with these ageing individuals is to talk about them. to focus on what they want to talk about. to meet them where they are with what they're sharing. and this can be challenging. we have to let go of what we think having a conversation looks like.

i'm currently experiencing this with my Oma. her cognitive ability has rapidly deteriorated as Covid has seen her more isolated and more alone than ever before. the mental stimulation she experienced with neighbours is no longer. so when i visit, asking "what have you been up to?" is a pointless, superficial question. a question she not only can't answer, but doesn't have anything to say because the truth is "nothing".

i remember reading in The School of Life's "On Being Nice" that the ultimate test of your social skills is your ability to feel at ease with a child you do not know. this is challenging because kids are unable to engage in the polite niceties that ease social encounters. as i read this, i thought that this too was applicable to the elderly. isn't it a test of our social skills to be able to engage someone who has lost their memory, lost their calibration of reality, lost all sense of their identity? how then, can we connect?

my solution? by being human. by discussing the things that make us, us. on normalising things like shitting ourselves. and by entertaining their stories with an endless curiosity. your job is not to orientate them, your job is to connect with them. and this is one of life's greatest challenges. but a challenge that humbles us as we realise, sometimes life can't always be about ourselves.

be human. be curious. and don't be afraid to be a little ridiculous. it's in this ridiculousness that we're reminded how similar we are.

CHOOSE LOVE, NOT FEAR

i've never understood why we complicate love and relationships. if you like someone and they like you, why then would you not want to be with them?

being with them doesn't necessarily mean you need to marry them or spend the rest of your life with them - but in this moment, if the feelings between two parties are mutual, what's the obstruction? quite often i've found, it's fear.

fear of ruining the friendship. fear of things not working out. fear of getting hurt. all fears that i acknowledge are real and ever present. fears i too have felt in the past and still experience today.

but despite these fears, i still choose love. because love is expansive and fear is restrictive. let me use an analogy.

say you have a ring - it's the most beautiful thing you've ever owned and it means a lot to your family. are you ever going to wear that ring or are you going to leave it in a cupboard, out of sight and out of reach from everyone, including yourself? wouldn't you rather wear the ring, show that ring off to the world, and enjoy the beauty of experiencing that ring? is there a fear that you'll lose it? absolutely! but is it not better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?

people are like this ring. you can keep them hidden, protecting them from others, but that protection will never eradicate the fear. nor will it add value to your life. your life will become restrictive as you try to control and prevent something that might happen anyway from happening.

so if you like someone, and they like you, don't complicate it. choose love, not fear.