CHOOSE LOVE, NOT FEAR

i've never understood why we complicate love and relationships. if you like someone and they like you, why then would you not want to be with them?

being with them doesn't necessarily mean you need to marry them or spend the rest of your life with them - but in this moment, if the feelings between two parties are mutual, what's the obstruction? quite often i've found, it's fear.

fear of ruining the friendship. fear of things not working out. fear of getting hurt. all fears that i acknowledge are real and ever present. fears i too have felt in the past and still experience today.

but despite these fears, i still choose love. because love is expansive and fear is restrictive. let me use an analogy.

say you have a ring - it's the most beautiful thing you've ever owned and it means a lot to your family. are you ever going to wear that ring or are you going to leave it in a cupboard, out of sight and out of reach from everyone, including yourself? wouldn't you rather wear the ring, show that ring off to the world, and enjoy the beauty of experiencing that ring? is there a fear that you'll lose it? absolutely! but is it not better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?

people are like this ring. you can keep them hidden, protecting them from others, but that protection will never eradicate the fear. nor will it add value to your life. your life will become restrictive as you try to control and prevent something that might happen anyway from happening.

so if you like someone, and they like you, don't complicate it. choose love, not fear.

BEFORE YOU START BLAMING...

check yourself. what needs do you have that aren’t being met? what are you upset about? get curious about what you're feeling - why is this upsetting you?

often when we become upset, it's because a need hasn't been fulfilled. rarely though, do we stop to ask ourselves, okay, does this person know this is a need of mine? how can i communicate that i need x in order to feel y. humans aren't mind readers, they're human. usually people do what they do, not because they're wanting to upset you, but because they don't know what to do - people don't know what they don't know.

it's not about the person, it's about solving the problem. and in order to solve the problem, you must first take responsibility for your feelings - use "i" statements and avoid using the word "you". you is a triggering word; it makes the other person defensive. it's hard to be defensive when you're not being attacked, when the other person is being vulnerable. and that's exactly what communicating your needs is: vulnerability. but in that space of vulnerablity, in that space of resolution, that's when two people grow closer together. that's when the other person learns how you need to be loved - because we all need to be loved in different ways. and this is the the beautiful process of getting to know someone - it's messy, clumsy, but ever so rewarding.

so before you start blaming, check yourself. take ownership. and remember, be kind. be vulnerable. be your beautiful, messy, human self.

BEFORE YOU CALL THEM CRAZY...

try to understand. behind every insecurity is a need that hasn’t been met. a desire that went unfulfilled. and a belief that has become distorted.

all humans want is to love and be loved. but sometimes when individuals have been hurt, been rejected, they internalise that as there must be something wrong with them. this belief system carries on into future relationships - to the point where they try to sabotage something good because deep down they don’t believe they’re worthy of being loved. because at one point, that’s how they were made to feel.

but they are worthy. you are worthy. we’ve all done some fucked up things when our needs weren’t being met - that doesn’t make us any less deserving of the basic human desire to love and be loved. and sometimes all it takes is a person - someone who makes us feel safe, someone who is willing to sit with us through the shit, sit with us through our “craziness”, to help us realise, oh...maybe i am deserving of love. maybe i don’t need to sabotage this. maybe, just maybe, i’m not so crazy after all. because the truth is - no one is. and you’re no exception. you’re just a human who hasn’t had their needs met. and there’s nothing wrong with that.

so before you call someone crazy, listen to what they’re saying. try to hear what needs haven’t been met in the past and offer them a safe place in which their distorted beliefs cannot survive. because it’s within this safety that people heal. that people connect. that people love. and that? that’s what we’re all here for after all.