BEFORE YOU START BLAMING...

check yourself. what needs do you have that aren’t being met? what are you upset about? get curious about what you're feeling - why is this upsetting you?

often when we become upset, it's because a need hasn't been fulfilled. rarely though, do we stop to ask ourselves, okay, does this person know this is a need of mine? how can i communicate that i need x in order to feel y. humans aren't mind readers, they're human. usually people do what they do, not because they're wanting to upset you, but because they don't know what to do - people don't know what they don't know.

it's not about the person, it's about solving the problem. and in order to solve the problem, you must first take responsibility for your feelings - use "i" statements and avoid using the word "you". you is a triggering word; it makes the other person defensive. it's hard to be defensive when you're not being attacked, when the other person is being vulnerable. and that's exactly what communicating your needs is: vulnerability. but in that space of vulnerablity, in that space of resolution, that's when two people grow closer together. that's when the other person learns how you need to be loved - because we all need to be loved in different ways. and this is the the beautiful process of getting to know someone - it's messy, clumsy, but ever so rewarding.

so before you start blaming, check yourself. take ownership. and remember, be kind. be vulnerable. be your beautiful, messy, human self.

BEFORE YOU CALL THEM CRAZY...

try to understand. behind every insecurity is a need that hasn’t been met. a desire that went unfulfilled. and a belief that has become distorted.

all humans want is to love and be loved. but sometimes when individuals have been hurt, been rejected, they internalise that as there must be something wrong with them. this belief system carries on into future relationships - to the point where they try to sabotage something good because deep down they don’t believe they’re worthy of being loved. because at one point, that’s how they were made to feel.

but they are worthy. you are worthy. we’ve all done some fucked up things when our needs weren’t being met - that doesn’t make us any less deserving of the basic human desire to love and be loved. and sometimes all it takes is a person - someone who makes us feel safe, someone who is willing to sit with us through the shit, sit with us through our “craziness”, to help us realise, oh...maybe i am deserving of love. maybe i don’t need to sabotage this. maybe, just maybe, i’m not so crazy after all. because the truth is - no one is. and you’re no exception. you’re just a human who hasn’t had their needs met. and there’s nothing wrong with that.

so before you call someone crazy, listen to what they’re saying. try to hear what needs haven’t been met in the past and offer them a safe place in which their distorted beliefs cannot survive. because it’s within this safety that people heal. that people connect. that people love. and that? that’s what we’re all here for after all.

WHAT MAKES A STRONG CULTURE?

safety.

a strong culture is epitomised by the level in which individuals feel they can be themselves and aren't just accepted for that, but embraced for that. it's within this acceptance, this embrace, that people feel valued. feel a part of something bigger than themselves.

when i think about the two environments i am currently involved with, there are a few indicators that highlight the strength of the culture. the first is the acknowledgement of all individuals upon arrival. i remember reading in Hugh Mackay's "The Art of Belonging", the importance of saying hello to your neighbour when you see them. it's less about the interaction and more about saying, "Hey, I see you. You're a human and I acknowledge your existence."

another indicator is the distance in which individuals are willing to drive to be a part of that environment. when i tell people i play for salisbury inter i'm often greeted with, "but that's so far away! why them?" and my answer? because i feel valued. and when you feel valued in an environment, no distance seems too great.

how is conflict resolved on your team? is it addressed, or is it ignored? how do people communicate with one another? do they attack and become defensive? or do they take ownership for their feelings? do people feel safe to express their opinions? or are they silent because of fear? are players berated for mistakes, or encouraged for their efforts? what happens in moments of stress - the ultimate test of a team's culture - do players ask for help? or do they blame?

when people ask what makes a strong culture, it's probably less about what people do and more about how they feel. i can't guarantee that if another club implemented these few examples that their culture would be magically transformed - these behaviours are a by-product of the feeling. the feeling of safety and connection.

so when it comes to a team's culture, instead of focusing on changing behaviours, implementing rules, or 'stress tests' - what if you instead focused on creating this feeling of safety? on prioritising relationships over all else? only then might some of the aforementioned behaviours start to evolve.