EXPLAIN, DON'T EXCUSE

one of the primary principles i learned in psychology was to explain human behaviour, not excuse it. understanding why humans behave the way they do offers us insight that can potentially help us predict future situations.

i’ve found within my own life, i have fully adopted this principle. i try my best to understand and explain others’ behaviours as i believe this a necessary component to eliciting compassion towards these individuals. i also believe no one ever does anything wrong intentionally - we are all good in nature, it’s only when our needs aren’t met that we act in ways that challenge that premise.

just recently however, i’ve had two very respectful figures in my life alert me to the fact that i make excuses for people. naturally, when someone makes a statement that i might not agree with, i reflect and i consider what message they’re sending me.

although i feel i don’t make excuses for people, i still allow them in my life. when someone “hurts” me, in their words or actions, i try to understand why. once i come to an understanding, i forgive them. but the problem is, i also keep them around.

having compassion for others doesn’t mean you have to accept ill-treatment. what i’m presently learning is how to still have love in my heart for these individuals, but enough respect for myself to say i will not engage in their behaviours. their healing is independent of anything i do / say. it’s their journey, not mine.

“we teach others how to treat us by what we allow, what we stop, and what we reinforce.” - tony gaskins

ARE YOU LIVING FOR YOUR RÉSUMÉ OR YOUR EULOGY?

well, what’s the difference? the difference is in the intention. the energy. the purpose.

many of us find ourselves doing things we don’t want to do. we’re stuck in jobs we hate. relationships we don’t like. people pleasing for people we don’t even care for. why? because we’re trying to get “somewhere”. get “something”. be “someone”. in other words, we’re living to build our résumé.

what does it mean then, to live for your eulogy? it means that you prioritise doing what you want to do. it means finding the job that adds the most value, not the most money. the job that fuels your passions, not your plans. it means finding someone, something, that makes you kinder, more loving, more open as though nothing else matters. because the truth is, nothing else does matter.

brené brown has a fantastic video on the most boundaried people also being the most compassionate people. and what she means by boundaries is people willing to say “no” to things they don’t want to do. how much value are you adding to the world, doing a job you don’t enjoy? now imagine the value you could add to the world doing a job you DID enjoy?

i understand not everyone’s financial situations allow them the liberty to simply pursue their passions without thought, but my question is this - why do you need a new car? a big house? a prestigious job? will any of those truly add value to your life?

how do you want to be remembered? do you want to be remembered for what you achieved or who you were? for who you chose to be when you didn’t have everything? living for your résumé is living for your ego - it’s self-serving and it won’t make you happy. but living for your eulogy? that’s what will add the most value to not only your life, but others’ lives too.

SELF-DOUBT

despite my recent posts on confidence and knowing your value, that’s not to say everything is always sunshine and rainbows in the world of nicole’s mind. i still have darkness, i still have doubts, and i still question my value.

having confidence is easy when you have the job position you want, you’re with the partner you desire, and you’re selected for the team you’ve always dreamed of playing for. but having confidence when you have none of those things? that’s the real challenge. and that’s where real change occurs.

i’ve been overlooked in almost every area of my life recently and as much as i can constantly rationalise that it’s “their loss”, i’m still human. i still question whether there’s something fundamentally wrong with me.

am i really the person i think i am? am i really as great as my friends perceive? am i really the leader i claim to be? or is there something about me, about my personality, that acts as a repellant? how else do you explain being continually overlooked in environments you thought valued you?

not only does self-doubt make you feel shit, but it also affects your performance. and once your performance faulters, that only aids in the process of feeling terrible about yourself.

i’m aware of this spiral. and i acknowledge it’s probably not reality. but it’s what i feel. and i’m trying to find peace in this doubt. to accept that this doubt is an essential part of my growth. an essential part of staying humble and grounded. it’s important to check yourself - but it’s equally as important not to dwell on it. just as the sun needs the moon, so too does confidence need doubt. and it’s in this doubt i currently reside.