What is the secret to life?

Last night I served the most beautiful woman. She was 93 years young and had a real zest for life. When I asked her what her secret is to living a joyful, long, and healthy life, she responded with, “Attitude. It’s all about what’s in here,” as she gestured towards her head. This lady came in around 5:30p.m. and was my only table for about 45 minutes. Immediately as she sat down, I introduced myself and asked her if I could get her anything to drink. She reached for my hand and said, “Oh sweet. Is it okay that I’m here by myself? It will just be me tonight.” How precious is that? She then went on to tell me that she really likes to drink merlot, but we unfortunately don’t sell a merlot. She asked me what I would recommend instead and I listed off the three red wines that we had, but I could tell it didn’t mean much to her. She said that it’s taken her a long time to find a wine that she likes because it isn’t too sweet, so I offered to bring her a couple of samples. She grabbed my hand again and said, “Oh thank you. You’re so sweet and kind. You’ve really made my day you have.” Completely puzzled I thought to myself, but I haven’t done anything for you yet. I then went up to my bartender and asked for a couple of samples of red wine and he said sure, which ones? I said all of them. He looked at me and I begged with my eyes, please? Typically we are only allowed to offer two samples to guests, but I was adamant on ensuring this lady was satisfied with her choice. So I came back with a tray of four samples (apparently we had a new wine). She was overwhelmed. She grabbed my hand again and thanked me profusely. She began to explain how she has driven past this place numerous times and never thought to go in, but today she said the Man upstairs told her to stop being silly and grab herself a bite to eat. “There was a reason I came in here today that is bigger than the both of us. And I think that’s because the Man wanted me to meet you, you sweet, sweet soul.”

So how did I seemingly make her night before even doing anything for her? My best guess is this: I offered my time and I did so willingly. She told me that she is extremely independent and goes out to eat by herself occasionally, but she has never had service like this. I asked her what she meant by that and she said that most people would just have selected a wine and brought that out to her, she’s never had someone bring her samples before. I explained my rationale behind it which is that honestly, I don’t know the wines (or beers) well enough to offer a single recommendation. Additionally though, we all have different taste buds. So what I like, might not be what you like. So to me it makes sense to offer samples and have the individual select the wine that they like the most, after all, it is about the taste and not about how fruity or sweet or acidic it is. You like what you like and you typically know that better than some random server.

After she successfully sampled the four wines and selected one of the cabs, we continued to talk. She thanked me for allowing her to touch my hand because she’s a very touchy person and I said absolutely, I love that she’s a touchy person. Often times she’s had people remove their hands from the table so she can’t touch them because it made them feel uncomfortable. She said, “We all need each other in this world.” And there is so much truth in that statement. Granted, I do not believe we need any single individual in this world, but we as humans need other humans. We need social interaction. We need touch. We need love. We need to belong. We’re social creatures for a reason, but instead of accepting affection readily, we instead act like robots and avoid physical connection as though it is plagued with disease. My friend Kaleb from Australia did a fantastic experiment in which he held up a cardboard sign that said “Free Kisses” – and he received 100 kisses in 6.5 hours. He said that the experience was extremely interesting because he had people who would initially decline his offer and then come back and change their mind. He also stated that he had some intensely intimate exchanges with these strangers, exchanges where he felt a connection to them. Exchanges that he would never have had had he not been holding this piece of cardboard. So his question to his viewers was, what is stopping us from having beautiful interactions with strangers? His answer? A piece of cardboard. Here is the video for those of you interested in checking it out https://www.facebook.com/thebollen?fref=ts

This experiment is powerful because society would usually frown upon any individual who would randomly make out with 100 strangers in a couple of hours. Yet because of this piece of cardboard, his behaviour was deemed acceptable. These are interactions we can be having every single day, but we don’t because we don’t think it’s “acceptable” by society’s standards. This beautiful lady liked to hold hands and to some people, that’s weird. But to me, it was intimate. It was personal. It conveyed love. And it conveyed a sense of belongingness. We all need physical affection, but we deprive ourselves of it because it’s not deemed “acceptable” to go around holding hands with strangers or hugging strangers. Imagine an individual approached you and just held you for 30 seconds. Would you cringe? Would you push them away? Or would you embrace them back and revel in the beauty of that seemingly random, but intimate exchange? We all need each other. And the sooner we realise and accept that, the sooner we can start experiencing more moving exchanges like these.

I loved this lady. And she loved me. We spoke about life and the purpose of it. She made a distinguishing difference between peace and happiness; peace being permanent and internal, and happiness being temporary and external. She told me that she had words with the Man upstairs to extend her life because she’s having “too much fun”. I asked her how? And she said that she’s reached a point where she just doesn’t care what anyone else thinks. Not her family, not strangers, not even the Man upstairs. She’s doing what brings her joy and I could sense how liberating that is for her. And the truth? We are all capable of getting to that point. Instead, we are so caught up in comparing ourselves to others, concerning ourselves with others’ opinions, and attempting to do right by others when in reality, we just need to do right by ourselves. She said that she doesn’t fuss or fight with people because that’s unnecessary angst; she just does her own thing. My Oma (grandma) has a very similar philosophy and it is no wonder that she too, has a real zest for life and can live joyfully. She doesn’t concern herself with matters that are insignificant or irrelevant. She forgives and forgets quickly. We’ve all heard that phrase, “Forgive, but never forget,” and I think that’s bullshit. Because if you never forget, then you’re continuing to hold onto this negative energy just waiting until it repeats itself. So instead, I encourage you to forgive AND to forget. Let go. Move on. Be present. Only then will you be free.

I asked this lady what she likes to do and she said she likes to paint. I asked her what she paints and she said, whatever she feels like. She lets inspiration come to her and then she acts on it. For creativity to truly flourish, this mentality is absolutely essential. Creativity needs to flow freely; free of expectation, free of pressure, free of limitation. Elizabeth Gilbert in Big Magic states that one of the worst things you can do when chasing a creative life is to give up your day job to pursue your creativity. Why? Because when you make your “creativity” your living, you now place pressure on it to provide for you. You need to write so it can pay your rent. You need to paint so you can eat. Creativity can’t be forced. Creativity is natural and free. This lady and I we spoke about this. And I mentioned how often times inspiration comes to us, but we are not seemingly receptive to it. Perhaps this is the same with messages from God; perhaps he tries to communicate things to us, but we are not receptive or ready to receive his message because there are obstacles in the way. Obstacles in the form of our ego, pressure, society, expectations, plans. Once we remove these obstacles and start to live authentically, we will find that inspiration will flourish around us. And there will be one residual feeling that overwhelms us: love. Without these obstacles we will then be able to experience the true core and meaning of our existence. And that is to love. This lady, she told me that. She told me that she loved me. And I told her I loved her. What a beautiful human to have an interaction with! She made sure to clarify that it wasn’t the “lesbian kind of love”, which I had a decent chuckle about. I was so overwhelmed by her energy that it transformed every interaction I had that night. When people asked me how I was doing, my standard robotic response was, “I’m doing alright thanks how are you doing?” But I quickly retracted my statement and said, “You know what, I lied. I’m not doing alright, I’m doing bloody excellent! I just served the most beautiful human who has made my entire day.” And that energy caused a ripple effect in the guests that I served. My interactions were warmer, friendlier, and just a lot more enjoyable, again, all because of the energy this beautiful lady had shared with me.

I asked this lady how long ago her husband passed away and she said it’s been 30 years. She’s been living by herself for a significant time. I asked her if she had dated after him and she said that she had, but never allowed someone close to her again. To which she admitted, “Truth is, my husband cheated on me our entire marriage and I thought all men were like that so I never let anyone that close to me again.” And that broke my heart a little bit. She mentioned that she met him in high school; she did track and basketball and was extremely athletic and he liked what he saw. She admitted that she hated him at first, but again, thought that all men were like that. So she married him and was married for 45 years. Imagine being married to someone for 45 years knowing that they were cheating on you the entire time, but not believing in divorce and believing that all men were like that?

Ironically enough, I watched another of Kaleb’s videos today and it was about marriage. One of his favourite phrases is when people say, “We already live together so it’s not going to change anything.” If it’s not going to change anything, then why get married? He called it a delusion – society has conditioned us to believe that success involves marriage and kids, even though 50% of marriages end in divorce. He posed the question, if 50% of planes crashed, how many people would get on a plane? No one would, right? Because those odds are not too favourable. Why is it then, that people continue to get married when the odds are not favourable? Because of their delusions. We as humans become attached to anything good, so naturally, when we find someone and things are good, we want to keep them to ourselves. So we get married. Now this individual is legally contracted to being with you, even if they don’t want to. Would you want to continue being with someone, even if you didn’t like them anymore? Or would you want them to continue being with you, even though they didn’t want to? Recall in one of my former posts how daunting it is to choose a career that you want to do for the rest of your life. It’s overwhelming. And it rarely happens. Statistics have shown that the majority of people change careers numerous times. Choosing a partner to marry is no less overwhelming, but I think people underestimate that. People believe and are conditioned into thinking that marriage offers security. But again, 50% end in divorce and over 50% involve affairs, so what kind of security does that really offer? The answer? It doesn’t offer any. It’s a delusion. Divorce is expensive, yet it’s extremely likely. Aren’t we all a little naïve to believe that our relationship will “beat the odds” when clearly statistics suggest otherwise? So what if instead of marriage, we just continued to date people? Perhaps then, stories like that of the beautiful woman above might have been avoided and she instead could have experienced many more beautiful interactions with strangers. Here is the link to his video for those of you interested by this discussion https://www.facebook.com/thebollen?fref=ts

So what can I take from this interaction with this stunning woman? Many things. Your attitude is the secret to living a healthy life. And your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship because it determines your relationship with everyone else. Doing what is right for you and not caring what others think is the most liberating experience. We all need each other and we all crave physical touch. So again, stop worrying what others will think of you and give that person a hug. Hold their hand. Rub their back. Tell them you love them. As far as marriage is concerned, it is not the logical next step. If you need a piece of paper to validate your feelings, your relationship is over before it even began. And last but not least, time and presence are the most precious gifts you can give. So precious, they can transform someone’s day. Week. Year. Or who knows, maybe even their life.

The importance of belonging

In order to experience the true elation of belonging, one must first experience the true isolation of feeling alone. And that I have done. For years. Throughout my collegiate years, and even prior to that, I struggled to feel like I belonged anywhere. In high school, I was what some might call a “floater” – I floated between friend groups; between the “nerds”, the “hip” kids, the “jocks”, and the ESL (English as a second language) students. I always felt different. Looking back I realise I was struggling internally with my sexuality and I had no one who could relate - I didn’t have a mentor; someone who could sense my struggle and offer solace, comfort, an escape. I had soccer though, and that acted as an escape for most of my life. I was surrounded around individuals who were also passionate about soccer and who were predominately oriented in a direction other than “straight”. But even then, I floated between groups at soccer. It was hard to find individuals who not only shared the same passion and drive for soccer, but also for academics. People who had a thirst for knowledge. Who would devote their recess and lunch times, their leisure times, to studying and homework so that they could succeed on the field without distraction. Individuals who had depth. Individuals who yearned to understand people, behaviour, life. Individuals who cared about the world and not who was sleeping with who. Yeah, I have struggled to find those kind of people.

College was worse. I was teamed with individuals who didn’t even share the same drive for soccer let alone academics. These individuals cared about nothing other than themselves. Many of them played collegiate soccer simply because it paid for their education. Meanwhile, I travelled halfway across the world to pursue this dream, this passion and I had no one to share that with. For four years, I was tortured with feelings of loneliness. Of frustration. Of disappointment. I had always been on a team that was actually a team. A family. A family in which each individual cared for their sister. A family in which socialising outside of organised practices was the norm. Sleepovers occurred on the regular. And no not that kind of lezbifriend sleepover. But my college team? The only time we ever hung out voluntarily was if there was food or alcohol involved. Otherwise, we were all just convenient acquaintances.

It’s impossible to excel in an environment like this. Why? For those of you familiar with Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, you might know why. Essentially Maslow’s hierarchy of needs suggests that in order to reach one’s self-actualisation, or excellence as I like to call it, a series of essentials need to be fulfilled and in a specific order too (please refer to the bottom of this paragraph for a diagram reference). So at the base of the pyramid is physiological needs. Individuals need food, water, sleep, and sex to function. Pretty straightforward right? Next is safety – in order to obtain any of the higher categories, an individual needs to feel safe and secure as it pertains to living situations or financial situations. Next is love and belongingness. Evidently an individual can’t really feel like they belong if they don’t initially feel safe. Makes sense right? An individual though, cannot function with confidence and thus is prevented from reaching their excellence if they do not fulfil this sense of belongingness. Belongingness pertains to connecting with others, fulfilling a purpose, and being seen. It’s essentially a feeling of being a part of something greater than oneself and for many, that is fulfilled by their belief in Christ.

For four years, I fought with my coach to alter our team’s culture to create one that fulfilled this requirement. I encouraged my teammates to spend time getting to know one another outside of the realms of practice and travel. To invest in one another like family. To check in with each other, emotionally, on the regular. And I actively implemented many of these suggestions. I would take teammates out for coffee. I would organise care packages for injured teammates. I would write anonymous notes to not just my teammates, but to my trainer too. I acknowledged each individual on the team, particularly the freshmen because I knew the importance of feeling like they belonged. And what did I receive from my teammates? I received nothing. When I was injured and unable to drive, which was quite often, I would frequently reach out to my teammates to ask for a ride. And they would never reply. I stood alone in meetings when I spoke openly about the problems on our team. The problems these individuals had formerly come to me to complain about, but then silenced themselves when I attempted to implement change. Fear. They were scared to lose playing time. This was a team that called themselves a family for four years. A team that thought the mere definition of family was just sharing the same space. A team that was never a family. A team that never reached their potential or excellence because they could never fulfil that essential requirement of making every individual feel like they were loved and belonged. A team that drove me to my darkest days. A team full of individuals. A team that was never really a team.

And from my coach, I was ignored when I shared bullying texts, tweets, and posts, with some even containing threats and an additional death threat, from one of my teammates. I was made to believe that this individual who was threatening me and bullying me was more important to the team than my life. I could never feel like I belonged when my safety wasn’t even guaranteed. So naturally, I don’t think I ever reached my excellence in college. At least not with soccer.

Academically I met some phenomenal people. And that saved me. I met like-minded individuals. Individuals who were as passionate about their education as I was and who empathised with my struggles. Individuals who invested in me. Who saw me. Who challenged me. Individuals who shared that same yearning for depth and understanding. I have been extremely fortunate with some of the beautiful individuals who have crossed my paths over the years, in high school and in college. Individuals who have contributed to a sense of belongingness, who have ultimately contributed to helping me reach my excellence as a student, a player, and as a person.

So why am I sharing this with you at this time? Because recently, I have been overwhelmed with these feelings of belongingness. About a month ago, I joined two indoor soccer teams and two tennis teams, essentially not knowing anyone on any of the teams. I was blindsided as to what to expect. As some of you know, I celebrated my birthday on Thursday. Thursday being lady’s tennis day and lady’s indoor soccer day. I was greeted with a stunningly beautiful birthday cake and a balloon and many happy birthdays. All from ladies I had only met twice before. I was overwhelmed by their generosity. Not only did they remember, but they each went out of their way to actively ensure it was indeed a special day for me. And they succeeded. These ladies have readily welcomed me to their team and are so sweet with their encouragement and support, even when I am hitting every ball into the net or over the fence. I’m sensitive to energies, and I really vibe the energy I receive from all of them. They are all seemingly kind-hearted and generous individuals who just want to have fun and enjoy themselves, drama free. My kind of people.

At night, I experienced similar generosity. When I first met these ladies, “The Lady Bugs”, I anticipated that I would need to “prove” myself to them to earn a spot on the field. After all, they had no idea who I was or how I played so that seemed reasonable to me. But that’s not what happened. When we played in our 11v11 tournament last weekend, I assumed that I would be starting on the bench, again, because I was new. But one of the girls said, “Nicole, what are you doing? You’re on the field let’s go.” Immediately after meeting these girls, I felt a part of their team. There is no cattiness on the team, nor is there any seniority. Just one big family. These individuals trusted me and had confidence in my ability to play without ever seeing me play before. And for my birthday, one of the girls ensured that I enjoyed myself and purchased my “weak” alcoholic beverages. It’s almost ironic because I hardly know these girls, yet I feel a part of a family. I feel like I belong. And that’s all because of the inclusive culture they have consciously created. We’re all united by the same thing – soccer. But more than that, we all share the same passion. Most, if not all, are former collegiate players who cannot ever get enough of this sport. Additionally, they all seemingly share the same love and light-heartedness for life. One individual in particular has such a contagiously positive energy in which she laughs and smiles at everything. Doc as they call her. And another who is an extremely straight-shooter, someone who I look up to despite not even knowing her, an engineer with an evidently high IQ. And the mother of the team – the one who generously purchased my drinks. She goes above and beyond to ensure everyone feels included and is looked after. A real caring, compassionate, considerate soul. A nurturer. And, the heart of the team.

So what is the point of all this ramble? The point is to emphasise the importance of feeling like you belong. If you ever want a teammate, a child, a parent, your players, your employees or even yourself to ever reach your excellence, you must first establish a culture in which the individual feels like they belong. That they are loved and cared for. That they are important merely because they are them which is entirely independent of their abilities. I have suffered significantly over the years because I have lacked this feeling of belongingness. I have felt misunderstood. Frustrated. Irritable. Angry. Alone. And no matter how at peace I was within myself, those feelings never subsided until I removed myself from the environment that evidently failed to serve me. I am now, however, overwhelmed with love and belongingness from a variety of different environments. I am continually having interactions with tables in which I felt seen and heard, I am playing for teams that are not just individuals occupying the same space, but families. I exert confidence in all that I do because my family is larger than my blood-relatives. And I am one step closer to self-actualisation because of it.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

I hate that question. And I also hate any question that pertains to my future or what I’m going to do with my degree. As a server, it’s not uncommon for my tables to ask what I studied in college. The natural progression of questions leads them to ask what I’m going to do with my psychology degree because obviously I can’t do anything with just a bachelor’s degree. Let’s stop right there. Why do I have to do anything with my degree? Why is it that society expects life to occur linearly? It’s as though everyone’s life is programmed to this universal proceeding formula: Go to high school, go to college, go to graduate school, get a job, have a family, die. How many of your friends do you know followed this formula? Who didn’t take a year or five off to travel or to figure out who they are? Now for those that actually did follow this formula, either for personal aspirations or because of succumbing to the pressures of society, how many of those people are happy and can say they have lived a fulfilling life?

Society conditions us to feel dissatisfied with the present by constantly asking questions about our future. What are you going to do when you graduate? What do you want to be when you’re older? When are you getting married? When will you have kids? Although these questions might have the best of intentions, they’re extremely counterproductive for creating peace within the moment. It’s as though we can’t be happy until we’ve accomplished x, y, or z. We can’t be happy until we have our life completely figured out. Let me let you in on a little secret…no one really has life figured out. The only difference between people is their confidence with knowing that they don’t have life figured out and their ability to accept that fact.

I feel as though teenagers and especially young adults experience constant, unnecessary stress. One of the frequent concerns from my friends is, “I don’t know what I’m doing with my life.” Why do we feel obliged to have our entire life figured out? Because society tells us we do. Realistically though, not a lot goes according to plan. So why stress ourselves out by planning our future? I challenge people instead to focus on what they want to do right now. Today. In this moment. Not in 30 years time, not in five years time, heck, not even in six months time. What do you want to do today? I think part of the reason people are so hesitant to commit to graduate school or finding jobs is because they think they are married to that profession. We are conditioned to believe that if I go to graduate school, I HAVE to get a job in something pertaining to that degree. Which means choosing a degree that I want to do for the rest of my life. And that mindset is so destructive. We are changing every second of every day so isn’t it a little naïve to think that our interests and our passions aren’t going to change as we age and mature? As we experience the unpredictability of life? Many people are led into the fields that they are in because of something that has happened to them or to someone else, something they could not account for. Something they couldn’t predict. Something they couldn’t plan for.

I recall watching a fantastic speech by Steve Jobs and I will attach the link to this post. In this commencement speech addressed to Stanford graduates in 2005, Jobs talked about why he went to college. He went to college because his adopted parents promised his biological parents that they would send him to college, and so he went. And he hated it. He fulfilled that requirement and dropped out. He returned as a drop in and decided to only take classes that he was interested in rather than the required classes he wasn’t interested in. He ended up taking a class in calligraphy and loved it. Looking forward, he was probably thinking (much as we all would), what the hell am I going to do with a class in calligraphy? Again, looking forward, you would probably think nothing. At least nothing conventional or practical. Fast forward 10 years and because of that class, he was able to come up with the versatile fonts for Macintosh. Makes sense when you look backwards right? And that was exactly his point. You cannot align the dots moving forward, you can only do that looking backwards. So instead of trying to figure out how you are going to use this present experience in the future, focus instead on investing in things that you enjoy doing in this moment. Even if they are as bizarre as a calligraphy course.

The other fantastic piece of advice that Jobs offers in this speech is based on the fragility of life. When he was confronted with having cancer, he started to question what he was doing every day. Before going to work every morning, he looked in the mirror and asked himself, If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today? If the answer was no too many days in a row, that is when he knew it was time for a change. Life is precious; too precious to be spent doing things that you do not enjoy. One of my favourite phrases that people use is, “I got myself a big girl job!” Whenever someone says that I immediately envision an office job, lots of money, and a great deal of unhappiness. But that’s because society conditions us into thinking that money is the most important thing in this world. Not our happiness. A part of me dies a little inside whenever I hear that phrase because I invariably think the individual is willingly trading their happiness and sanity for social status and money. Success is not defined by how much money you have. Or what car you drive. Or how many friends you have. Success is defined by your happiness. Because what’s the point of having money if you don’t enjoy what you’re doing? We’re brought into this world with nothing and we leave this world with nothing. So instead of investing all of one’s energy into accumulating lots of material things, I challenge you instead to invest your energy into things that you enjoy. Experiences that will add value to your life. That serve you. Grow you. Change you. Please you.

So when people ask me what I’m doing with my life I tell them that I’m doing it right now. I’m currently working as a server and I thoroughly enjoy it. I’m meeting people who see me, who understand me, and who encourage me to pursue certain inspirations in the future. People who are shaping my passions and interests. I’m also coaching and enjoying influencing the younger generation. I feel strongly about imparting my experiences and insights with this younger generation in hope to reduce the stress they might encounter. To be a mentor to them. And to essentially be the person I wish I had when I was younger. As far as what I want to do next, I don’t know. And I’m perfectly okay with not knowing. I anticipate that coaching will continue to be in my future, as will writing. As far as using my psychology degree, I’m using it every day. I have every intention of going to graduate school and who knows, perhaps I’ll end up getting multiple degrees as my interests change with time and experience. The beautiful thing about life is that it’s unpredictable. Trying to predict unpredictability is a sure way to dissatisfaction and unhappiness. And a path I do not choose to follow.

To those who ask those good intentioned questions about individuals’ futures, I challenge you instead to ask about their present. Ask them what their interests are. Ask them if they enjoy what they’re doing. By placing focus on the future, it increases the likelihood that individuals will feel inadequate with their present situation. We live in a world where we’re constantly being compared to everyone else through Facebook, Instagram, social status etc. It’s time that we change our perspective on success and focus instead on happiness. It’s okay to not have life figured out. It’s okay to not know what you want to do for the rest of your life, or even what you want to do next. Find what you’re interested in now and do that. Don’t be in a rush to “grow up” – life will happen and you will naturally grow with it. Learn to accept what you don’t know and make peace with not knowing what will happen next. Life is a beautiful, unpredictable mess. And that is the best advice I can give.

“The only way to do great work is to love what you do.” (Steve Jobs, 2005).