The precursor to "The Beauty in Pain"

This topic has been on my heart a lot since initiating this blog. I have frequently found myself wanting to write about my experiences, but have seemingly lacked the gentle intimacy needed to convey them. As I have just signed up to participate in the Out of Darkness Overnight Walk in San Francisco in May, I thought it timely to write about what happened leading up to my near suicidal experience on February 15th. Before I continue, this walk is a fundraiser to raise money for suicide awareness. All individuals are welcome – whether you are a survivor yourself or you’ve lost a family member or a friend to suicide, or you just simply support the cause, all members are welcome to participate. Here is the link to my donor page. ​ http://theovernight.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.participant&participantID=19973

So it was Thursday the 12th of February when it all sort of began. Actually, I lied. This began a long time ago, probably when I tore my second ACL. A lot happened in between that moment and the 12th of February, like me spending New Years in Ridgeview (a mental institution), tried and failed medication, and many, many conflicts. Rachel and I were in a rocky, unstable place. We were in a vicious, destructive, and toxic cycle – we would make up during the week, but then we were fighting by the weekend. And it wasn’t the kind of yelling or physical fights, it was passive-aggressive fights. Emotionally abusive. Probably me more than her if I’m being entirely honest. Anyhow. This Thursday morning I had asked Rachel if she could please pick me up from the autoshop before class because I wanted to get my clutch checked out. She agreed and we decided that I would need to leave the house by 7:30 so that she could be leaving for class by 8. 7:32 rolls around and I haven’t left mine yet. But the reason, I think, is a justified one. Before leaving the house, all I did was get changed and make Rachel breakfast in bed, coffee, and make her lunch for the day. So, I was running a little late, yes, but only because I was trying to be a thoughtful and loving girlfriend. Apparently that backfired. “Why haven’t you left yet?” … Shocked and pretty hurt, particularly by the accusatory tone, I responded, “I’m sorry, I was making you breakfast, coffee, and lunch for the day…I’m leaving now.” I left mine shortly after and was pretty disappointed. I was really trying to be considerate given that I knew she wouldn’t have time during the day to go buy herself lunch. I got to the autoshop and the guy who usually checks clutches wasn’t working that day, so I immediately called Rachel and informed her that she didn’t need to pick me up…except she didn’t answer her phone. Ugh. Okay. So I texted her. No response. As I’m driving home, I saw her car driving in the opposite direction. I did a quick U-turn and walked up to her window. I’m frustrated. I snap. “If you just answered your phone you would know that you didn’t have to pick me up.” I had so much spite, hurt, and frustration in my voice and naturally, Rachel didn’t take to that very well.

Throughout the rest of the day, communication was tense between us. Something that wasn’t very compatible between Rachel and I is that Rachel is a distancer and I’m a pursuer. When things were tense, I wanted to fix them. But for Rachel, she wanted to avoid them. Not a very constructive combination when attempting to resolve issues is it? Given this personality trait, Rachel decided that she was probably going to stay at her friend’s place that night because she really didn’t like the way I spoke to her. And, rightfully so. But for me, staying out and avoiding the issue isn’t really resolving anything. I tried to respect what she had said and decided to take 45 minutes to myself in Panera after coaching that night. I even left my phone in the car and read a book (people can do that these days?!). When I got back to my car, I felt relaxed, calm, and very level-headed. Until I checked my phone. I had numerous missed calls and voicemails. Some from my roommate and then some from an unknown number. I checked the voicemails. They were from ADT security. My alarm had gone off and the police had been called. Whatever “zen” I had garnered during my time at Panera had vanished almost spontaneously. I was freaking out. Has someone broken into my house? Is someone still there? Do they have a gun? I texted Rachel and told her that the police are at my house because my alarm went off and no one was home. I pulled up to my place and there weren’t any police cars. Have the police come and gone already? Is it safe to enter my house? How do I know there’s no one in there? My heart was racing. What do I do? I was scared. I didn’t want to enter my house given the unknown circumstances I could potentially be walking in to. Nothing from Rachel. I call ADT and I ask them if it’s safe to proceed. I grab an umbrella out of my trunk and remain on the phone with them as I entered my house and checked my surroundings. Everything seems okay except for the hallway light that is on. I’m scared to walk up the stairs, but I garner the courage given that I was still on the phone to ADT. All clear. Phew. I can breathe. Rachel texts me: “Are the police still there?” I respond and say “No they came and left because I think it was a false alarm.” I check the back door though and it looked like someone had tried to jam it open. Maybe it wasn’t a false alarm after all. Rachel: “Okay. Glad you’re safe.” And that was it. No offer to come home (which is where she had lived for 10 months). No offer to support me. No offer to make sure I was okay. I was hurt. Was I being unreasonable to expect my girlfriend to come home when she found out that my house had potentially been broken into? If roles were reversed, I would not have hesitated to forget whatever fight we were in to offer my support during this potentially scary time. But Rachel wasn’t me. And Rachel didn’t respond to situations the same way I did. I was once again, extremely hurt by her actions, or more so, inactions. And I conveyed that in my texts. Rachel was staying at her friend’s so in complete and utter spite I text her stating, “i hope you know i’m not sleeping alone tonight either.” I threatened infidelity. That’s what that text was. Did I intend to do that? Yes, I did. Did I have intentions to act on it? No, not at all. If anything, I was just referring to sleeping with Simba, my cat. But the truth is, I intended to hurt her with that message. And I did. To no surprise, Rachel retreated. She didn’t fight back. I didn’t get the reaction I was seeking, I got nothing.

An entire day went by and I hadn’t heard anything from her. I caught up with a friend that Friday night and we went out to Mazzy’s to play pool. I left my phone in the car because of the anxiety it gave me. I was hoping that Rachel would text me and every time I checked my phone and there wasn’t a message, I was a little more crushed. Disappointed. Shattered. I smoked a cigarette or two because why not? Fuck it. Fuck my situation. I was hurt and I was doing whatever I could to try and get a reaction. To try and get someone to notice how much I was hurting. My friend and I played until it was after midnight. Valentine’s Day. I joked with my friend that I’m sure Rachel hasn’t even text me despite me leaving my phone for four hours. I wasn’t really joking. I was hurting. I was hoping. And I, was right. Rachel didn’t text me. So I text her. “i know things aren’t very good between us right now, but i want you to know i still love you. happy valentine’s day.” No reply. Rachel didn’t reply until Saturday night around 6pm-ish. The entire Saturday I was hurting. Distraught. I realised that it’s more painful to be with someone on Valentine ’s Day who doesn’t want to be with you than it is to just be alone. At least when you’re single you’re not holding on to hope that someone will contact you or spend the day with you. So Rachel and I exchanged a few texts. I apologised profusely for my actions and for what I said. I felt terrible. I wanted physical comfort. I needed physical comfort. That was my sanctuary: physical presence. I started drinking that night. I drank to the point of throwing up. I was in agony. My heart was breaking. I felt rejected. Depleted. Crushed. I begged Rachel to please come home and see me. I was making myself entirely vulnerable because I needed her. I wasn’t doing okay and I wanted my girlfriend there to comfort me. She said that she was too tired and that she would see me tomorrow. To which I responded: “if i make it til then”. Her response: “please, just wait until you see me one more time.” Wait until I see you one more time, and then what? And then I can kill myself? I didn’t reply. And intentionally so. I was desperately crying out for help. My text alluded to suicide. And I wanted her to know that’s what I was thinking about. I wanted her to care enough to come home, to show me that I meant something. That she was scared I might actually go through with it. But she didn’t. She stayed out. I wrote this that night:

a valentine’s day poem

my heart breaks at the thought

of you leaving me forever

for when you entered my life

you became my purpose.

my oxygen.

my existence.

you stole my heart, you stole my love

now, you might steal my life.

Sunday rolled around and I had coaching all day again. Before I left that day, I left a journal entry on my bed from when I was in Ridgeview and a note accompanied with it. The journal entry, written one and a half months prior, was me talking about how much I love this girl. How I’m going to marry her one day. How beautiful she is. The note, however, stated this: “I’m too hurt by your absence, I’m too far gone.” I was hoping, because Rachel hadn’t heard from me, that she would be worried and would come by the house to check on me. So I left both of those there. Coaching came and went and I hadn’t heard anything from her. I drove home hoping to find her black Mazda in my driveway, but there was nothing. She hadn’t been by to check on me. My heart broke a little more. Constant disappointment, that’s what I felt. I couldn’t trust myself to be in the house without self-harming in some way. So I took my laptop, paper, and some pens and went to McDonalds just up the road. I sat there and watched a couple of episodes of Gossip Girl, still not having heard anything from Rachel. I guess she didn’t take my suicide threat seriously. Then I had a light bulb moment. I was going to write her a letter. So I did. And this is what I wrote.

Let’s go back to the beginning when our feelings were pure, uncomplicated, and uncontrollably real. I had such a fascination with you; you were a fantasy. Someone I could only dream of being with. Someone I did dream of being with. That feeling has never faded. I’m still in awe that you’re by my side. I still have dreams of being with you when we’re apart. It’s my subconscious telling me that I was always supposed to be with you. From the moment I met you, I was connected to you. Not in a superficial way either, but deeply. A soul-like connection. Our time was not then to pursue a relationship. And you might be thinking our time is not now, either, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Just imagine the people we will be, imagine the couple we will be, when we get through this. I say when and not if because I have every confidence that we are going to get through this. It’s going to be hard. It’s going to be exceptionally hard. And we’re going to want to quit. And we’re going to have to fight for it, every day. But I want that because I want you. I want you by my side, then, now, and in the future. You’ve become my purpose for living. You’ve become my oxygen. You have always been everything to me, but right now I am dependent on you. Albeit as unhealthy as that is, it is only temporary. I lost a big part of me; I lost the only other thing I was dependent on and it’s going to take me a little bit to regain my independence – I need to find something else; I need to find myself.

Separation, you say, is the solution for me in order to find myself and save yourself. But I fear that we will grow apart. Fear that we’ll find ourselves again, but it won’t be with each other. Apart from losing you, that is my biggest fear. And the biggest reason I don’t want to be away from you.

I need work. I’ve been saying that for a while now and I have meant it for a while. A few dead ends with therapists and medication and I didn’t make much progress. My support system is larger now. I don’t just have you, I have others too, but none of them are you. None of them can fill me like you fill me. They’re like my nitrogen; although the dominant element in air and although I am permanently surrounded by them, I can’t use them to breathe.Things have to change, I know that. It would be ignorant to think we can keep living like this because we aren’t living. I’m destroying you which in turn is destroying me. The guilt, the shame, the self-loathing; it’s all consuming me from the inside out. I’m doing things I was adamant I would never do just to numb the pain. Although your absence is undesirable, it’s not what is destroying me and leading to my destruction – that’s on me and that’s because your absence is caused by me. I’m not only destroying you, I’m destroying a part of me because that’s what you are. That’s what you’ve become. You’ve become my greatest memories, you’ve become my life ambitions, you’ve become neurons in my brain, you’ve become a part of my amygdala and my hypthothalamus (I know you like it when I talk dirty). I live and breathe to inhale you, your scent, your unconditional love, and your beautiful soul. I want all of you, now, forever, and always.

I can’t promise my wellbeing or predict my behavior, and that scares you. Shit, it scares me too. I hate being unpredictable. Although there’s a certain sense of excitement from unpredictability, there’s a sense of danger too. I need to find a healthier coping mechanism, one that doesn’t destroy you and cause you to wall up and to destroy your vulnerability or desire to be with me. I want you to feel safe with me; I need you to feel safe with me. I want you to have a home with me like I have with you.

I’m working on me, that I can promise. And I promise to never stop trying to be a better me. My belief in a better us is the only thing still keeping me alive. I will never forgive myself if I ever did anything to completely destroy you or us. Never. I’ve forgiven myself for last week and my heartbreaking words, but I haven’t forgotten. My phone is toxic and I need to rid myself of it. I need to better myself without technology. I need to better myself without expectations. I need to better myself without dependence.

In the words of Stephanie, I hope you can see this, see what we are going through as a season. A season that is going to make a beautiful story out of you, out of me, out of us. A season that is temporary. Just imagine reflecting on our survival and triumph through this season. I can see it. Only because I’ve never lost sight of the future and the plans I have with you. I refuse to give up and I refuse to stop fighting for that future. Better is possible and better will be obtained. Wounds will scar and scars will fade. But scars will always tell the story of resilience, of strength, of love, and of perseverance.

This season will end, but we will not. A promise I will keep, with only your approval.

I poured everything I had left of me into that letter. I made myself vulnerably raw. This was it. This would either make me, or break me. I needed to give this to Rachel right now. So I texted her at 9:15p.m. Sunday night: “where are you?” No reply. I called her. No answer. “please rachel i need to give you something”. No reply. I called her again. No answer. “please rachel tell me where you are.” No reply. I called her once more. No answer. I texted her best friend. “hey is rachel with you?” No reply. I called her friend. No answer. “please rachel i need to see you. my life depends on it.” No reply. I checked Facebook and I saw that her friend was online. Something inside me snapped. I broke. She sees that I’ve been texting her and she’s ignoring my calls. She doesn’t care. I can’t do this anymore. Panic. Rage. Hurt. I added one more line to the note I left on my bed: “But you ended me.” I left the note, I left my phone, I left my house. Tears poured down my face. I couldn’t spend one more minute inside that house without seriously harming myself. I couldn’t trust myself. I couldn’t trust life. I had been hurt too much. I was in too much pain. I just wanted to end it all. I needed to end it all. This suffering, it was too much. The only way I could survive and escape this pain was to take my own life. And that’s what my brain told me to do. End it. End the suffering. Escape it all. Please help me. I can’t do this anymore. Please. Somehow I made it to Stephanie’s house. Seemingly in once piece, but completely broken. I was a mess. Uncontrollably crying. Uncontrollably shaking. Uncontrollably anxious. End it for me. Please. Take this pain away. Somehow I composed myself enough to drive back to Ida’s apartment on campus. But she wasn’t there. I climbed through the window and left a note on her desk because I didn’t have my phone. “I’m not okay but I’m going to my doctor’s house.” So I drove to my doctor’s house. I showed up at midnight. At first, I had my hoodie on and then realised that probably wasn’t a smart thing to do, ring someone’s doorbell at midnight with your face covered up. My doctor answered the door, “Oh thank God. We were all so worried about you.” We? I was back to reality. For the past two hours, I had thought of nothing else other than surviving. I didn’t consider anyone else. I didn’t think anyone else was worried or was looking for me. I didn’t think there was a world outside of my desire to survive. But I did. And I made it through the night. Little did I know the damage I left in my wake. The irreversible damage.

Looking back, I learnt so much from this experience. Rachel left me not long after this night and for justifiable reasons. I blamed suicide on her. And that’s pretty fucked up. I loathed myself for months because of what I did, because of what I wrote. But then, I forgave myself. In my defence, I was driven to that point. I constantly made myself vulnerable only to be greeted with rejection and disappointment. Each occurrence destroying me a little more. I’m not justifying my behaviour by any means, but I can understand why and how I got to that point. I was extremely emotionally manipulative. And that undoubtedly took a toll on Rachel. Particularly because her mother was that way for 22 years of her life. I came to find out that the reason Rachel didn’t come home that Thursday when my alarm went off is because she thought I made the entire thing up. From my perspective, that hurts. She thought that I would try to manipulate her into coming home by falsifying events. For those of you that know me, know that I’m not that creative. Nor that manipulative. But in Rachel’s defence, that’s what her Mom did to her numerous times. And I had evidently displayed many signs that reminded Rachel of her Mom so it wasn’t all that farfetched to believe I would make something up like that.

What I’ve learnt from this experience is the importance of communicating exactly what you need rather than insinuating it through passive aggressive texts. People aren’t mind readers. And you can’t get angry at a partner or friend for failing to read your mind – that falls on you and your inability to effectively communicate what it is you need. I also learnt that I need physical presence to comfort me. And that probably stems from quality time and physical touch being my two top love languages. In Rachel’s perspective, sometimes she intentionally wouldn’t come home because she didn’t want to reinforce these manipulative behaviours of mine. But from my perspective, I was crying out for help. And each time she didn’t come home, it was a rejection to me. A disappointment. And it continued to weigh heavier through each occurrence. Although this is a series of isolated events, our relationship had been building up to this climax for months. As I mentioned, we were in a vicious cycle. We were destroying each other. I firmly believe something as significant as this needed to happen to force change. And that change was Rachel leaving. Without significant change, individuals lack the motivation to change themselves. Without this climatic, near-suicide experience, Rachel might have lacked the outlet she needed to leave. And who knows where I would be.

Just last November I wrote a letter to Rachel thanking her for the decision she made to leave me. Because it was the right one. I cannot imagine how difficult it might have been for Rachel to leave her significant other in the place that I was in; dark, helpless, broken. But again, it was the right decision. I apologised sincerely for the pain and damage that I had caused, my one hope that it did not leave any lasting negative effect.

So why did I share this piece? Perhaps it was because of the timing of me signing up for the Out of Darkness Overnight Walk, but I think a large part of it is because I want to speak openly about my experiences. Suicide isn’t always a consciously made decision by individuals. And it certainly isn’t selfish. Through what I have written, I hope that I have conveyed the degree of pain and suffering that I was in in order to consider even taking my life. It’s an oxymoron. Your brain tells you the only way to survive is to take your own life. I was asked by my cousin a few months ago whether I am thankful that I didn’t go through with my decision to take my life, and I was taken aback by that question. Because to me, I never actually made that decision. I was never conscious when I had intent to end things. I was driven to that point, entirely unconsciously. Death scares the shit out of me. And I would never, in my conscious state, want to take my own life. But that’s just it, I wasn’t conscious in this state. I was ruled by pain. Agony. Heartbreak.

For those of you who have made it this far in this post, I would be beyond grateful if you could please support me for the Out of Darkness Overnight Walk that I will be participating in next month. My goal is to raise a minimum of $1000 and I have exactly one month to do so. The link to my page is at the top of this post.

If you have any questions or would like to share your own personal struggle with suicide or that of a close family member or friend, feel free to email me on my Contact Me page or leave a comment believe. Thank you all for reading.

Please note: Some names have been altered to protect the privacy of those mentioned.

What is your type?

I was challenged the other week. Do I have a type? When people answer this question, they typically do so in a very surface-level and superficial manner, “Yes. I like girls that are athletic, have blond hair, are smart, funny, beautiful etc.” But have you ever “fallen” for someone who potentially doesn’t meet this superficial “type”? Perhaps they were a brunette. Perhaps they had brown eyes instead of blue eyes. Perhaps they were a little more solid than your athletic “type”. The reason for this is because these physical characteristics, these attributes, they don’t determine your “type”. When you fall for someone, you don’t fall for their smile, or their eyes, why? Because chances are, there are millions of people in this world who have a beautiful smile or beautiful eyes, yet you’re not “in love” with them. That’s because when you fall for someone, you fall for something about them that is completely unique to them, something that separates them from everyone else. Or perhaps, it’s deeper than that. Perhaps you fall for them because they are your “type”. Alright, I’ve mentioned “type” now numerous times, what the hell am I talking about? We all have one. At least for those of us who are unconsciously living and unaware that we do indeed have one. The person I was having this conversation with has a type because of who she seemingly perceives herself as: a people pleaser. And a people pleaser’s type? Angry partners. This might seem like a broad type and it is, but it reflects something deep within our own personality and our own needs. As a people pleaser, you naturally want to please your partner. Now if you’re with a submissive partner, there’s not really a challenge in that, is there? But if you’re with someone who is angry and thus hard to please, it then becomes a challenge, a project if you will. And this project becomes an addiction. You become addicted to attempting to please the other person and typically, without success and at a high cost to yourself. But, that is what you’re attracted to. That is your type.

So what is my type? Let’s look at who I am and some of my attributes. I’m a giver, so I perhaps want someone who is receptive to my “giving” nature, a receiver if you will. But a dominating attribute of mine is to nurture. I love love. And I love with my entire heart. And naturally, I want to take care of the ones I love. This is destructive. And let me tell you why. When I first met Rachel (my ex), the energy I felt from her was overwhelming. I could feel her pain. This girl had evidently been through a lot and she had a sensitivity about her because of this pain. I was awestruck. Fuck. I loved this girl and I didn’t even know her. And immediately I said to myself, All I want to do is look after her. And love her. And nurture her. I want to take care of her. Some might say that my type then is the “broken” type, but I disagree. My intention, granted unconscious, is not to “fix” this person, because I know better than that. I know you cannot “fix” anyone. Shit, it’s hard enough to “fix” yourself. My intention, however, is to love the individual in such a way that provides them with the environment to fix themselves. A nurturing environment. Sounds noble, right? There’s a big, big flaw in this mentality though. And that’s because I neglect to ask myself this, Who’s going to look after me?

I found myself with a little more awareness in my proceeding relationship. When I first met this individual, there wasn’t that sense of pain or dependency in her – she was a strong, independent, and very well-rounded individual. Which was unusual to me, because I had believed what others had said in regards to being attracted to people who are “dependent” and in need of “help”. This individual, however, wasn’t in need of any help or any saving. So I established that the “saviour” complex was not part of my type. After getting to know this individual, I recall her stating that in previous relationships, all she did was take care of her partners and they didn’t really take care of her. She was tired. She wanted to be taken care of. Annnnnnd that was it. I was hooked. That was my entrance point. I could love this girl extremely well. I know I can. I want to show her that I can take care of her. And that’s what I set forth to do. I even stated such to her. Again, sounds noble right? To devote oneself entirely to taking care of your partner? Noble is the equivalent of destructive. Because if you set forth to take care of someone else with your entirety, you have nothing left to take care of yourself. And much like people accept particular roles, like a former giver might accept becoming a receiver when partnered with a more dominant giver (in the case of Rachel and I), people accept being taken care of and can often neglect to consider their partner’s needs. This creates an imbalanced, destructive relationship. I recall catching myself when I thought this, that I could love her so well, and asked myself, Well who’s going to love me? Who’s going to take care of me? I somehow convinced myself that all of my needs were being met, and if they weren’t being met currently, I would justify it and say, Well it’s just the situation and it will be different when x, y, and z happen. Wrong. Is there some flexibility in a relationship in the sense that at times, you might have to give more than your partner, but then at other times, your partner gives more than you? Absolutely. But it’s about establishing a balance. And holding on to the belief that things will change in the future, that’s a red flag. You either have evidence to suggest this is a temporary phase or you don’t. And if you don’t, things can become destructive. Given this situation, I found myself at times wanting to give up and just find someone who would look after me. Maybe date a guy. A guy because guys are stereotypically believed to be strong. But I knew this wasn’t a solution. Because the core problem persists: an imbalance. And balance is essential for maintaining a flourishing relationship.

So now that I’ve established what my type is, what can I do? Well, awareness is key. Knowing that this is the type I have seemingly been attracted to in my past, I can hopefully identify those core thoughts that are seemingly noble, but ultimately destructive. Once I identify them, I can make a choice. Do I continue feeding this unproductive pattern or do I consciously end it through awareness and establishing clear boundaries? Is this person looking after me, too, or am I just attracted to them because they allow me to fulfil this nurturing role?

Something that I’ve also learnt recently is that I no longer want to find someone who gives me “butterflies” or who makes me feel things deeply when I meet them. Why, might you ask? When you make connections based on these seemingly deep connections, they seem unquestionably and overwhelmingly good at first. Because, well, they are. The feelings are intense. Everyone remembers their first love, right? The hormones. The infatuation. The feeling of being “in love”. All of that is addictive. But unhealthy. If you recall in one of my earlier posts, I mention that you cannot have good without bad, much like you can’t have bad without good. I also mention that the more extreme the bad, the more intense the good. What makes relationships an exception? Remember a relationship when things were intensely good at the start, and then suddenly, or perhaps over time, things became extremely toxic? Why do we think that love is immune to experiencing the two extremes of “good” and “bad”? Because it’s an illusion. We seemingly believe that things can be good all the time and neglect to acknowledge that we can’t experience “good” without “bad”; they coexist. Yet we seem shocked when the opposite, “bad”, arises. I want to share with you a few pages from The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle which inspired this somewhat already manifested thought.

LOVE/HATE RELATIONSHIPS

Unless and until you access the consciousness frequency of presence, all relationships, and particularly intimate relationships, are deeply flawed and ultimately dysfunctional. They may seem perfect for a while, such as when you are “in love,” but invariably that apparent perfection gets disrupted as arguments, conflicts, dissatisfaction, and emotional or even physical violence occur with increasing frequency. It seems that most "love relationships" become love/hate relationships before long. Love can then turn into savage attack, feelings of hostility, or complete withdrawal of affection at the flick of a switch. This is considered normal. The relationship then oscillates for a while, a few months or a few years, between the polarities of "love" and hate, and it gives you as much pleasure as it gives you pain. It is not uncommon for couples to become addicted to those cycles. Their drama makes them feel alive. When a balance between the positive/negative polarities is lost and the negative, destructive cycles occur with increasing frequency and intensity, which tends to happen sooner or later, then it will not be long before the relationship finally collapses.

It may appear that if you could only eliminate the negative or destructive cycles, then all would be well and the relationship would flower beautifully - but alas, this is not possible. The polarities are mutually interdependent. You cannot have one without the other. The positive already contains within itself the as yet unmanifested negative. Both are in fact different aspects of the same dysfunction. I am speaking here of what is commonly called romantic relationships - not of true love, which has no opposite because it arises from beyond the mind. Love as a continuous state is as yet very rare - as rare as conscious human beings. Brief and elusive glimpses of love, however, are possible whenever there is a gap in the stream of mind.

The negative side of a relationship is, of course, more easily recognizable as dysfunctional than the positive one. And it is also easier to recognize the source of negativity in your partner than to see it in yourself. It can manifest in many forms: possessiveness, jealousy, control, withdrawal and unspoken resentment, the need to be right, insensitivity and self-absorption, emotional demands and manipulation, the urge to argue, criticize, judge, blame, or attack, anger, unconscious revenge for past pain inflicted by a parent, rage and physical violence.

On the positive side, you are "in love" with your partner. This is at first a deeply satisfying state. You feel intensely alive. Your existence has suddenly become meaningful because someone needs you, wants you, and makes you feel special, and you do the same for him or her. When you are together, you feel whole. The feeling can become so intense that the rest of the world fades into insignificance.

However, you may also have noticed that there is a neediness and a clinging quality to that intensity. You become addicted to the other person. He or she acts on you like a drug. You are on a high when the drug is available, but even the possibility or the thought that he or she might no longer be there for you can lead to jealousy, possessiveness, attempts at manipulation through emotional blackmail, blaming and accusing - fear of loss. If the other person does leave you, this can give rise to the most intense hostility or the most profound grief and despair. In an instant, loving tenderness can turn into a savage attack or dreadful grief. Where is the love now? Can love change into its opposite in an instant? Was it love in the first place, or just an addictive grasping and clinging?

ADDICTION AND THE SEARCH FOR WHOLENESS

But then that special relationship comes along. It seems to be the answer to all the ego's problems and to meet all its needs. At least this is how it appears at first. All the other things that you derived your sense of self from before, now become relatively insignificant. You now have a single focal point that replaces them all, gives meaning to your life, and through which you define your identity, the person you are "in love" with. You are no longer a disconnected fragment in an uncaring universe, or so it seems. Your world now has a center. the loved one. The fact that the center is outside you and that, therefore, you still have an externally derived sense of self does not seem to matter at first. What matters is that the underlying feelings of incompleteness, of fear, lack and unfulfillment so characteristic of the egoic state are no longer there - or are they? Have they dissolved, or do they continue to exist underneath the happy surface reality?

If in your relationships you experience both "love" and the opposite of love - attack, emotional violence, and so on - then it is likely that you are confusing ego attachment and addictive clinging with love. You cannot love your partner one moment and attack him or her the next. True love has no opposite. If your "love" has an opposite, then it is not love but a strong ego-need for a more complete and deeper sense of self, a need that the other person temporarily meets. It is the ego's substitute for salvation, and for a short time it almost does feel like salvation.

But there comes a point when your partner behaves in ways that fail to meet your needs, or rather those of your ego. The feelings of fear, pain, and lack that are an intrinsic part of egoic consciousness but had been covered up by the "love relationship" now resurface. Just as with every other addiction, you are on a high when the drug is available, but invariably there comes a time when the drug no longer works for you. When those painful feelings reappear, you feel them even more strongly than before, and what is more, you now perceive your partner as the cause of those feelings. This means that you project them outward and attack the other with all the savage violence that is part of your pain. This attack may awaken the partner's own pain, and he or she may counter your attack. At this point, the ego is still unconsciously hoping that its attack or its attempts at manipulation will be sufficient punishment to induce your partner to change their behavior, so that it can use them again as a cover-up for your pain.

Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through your own pain. Every addiction starts with pain and ends with pain. Whatever the substance you are addicted to - alcohol, food, legal or illegal drugs, or a person - you are using something or somebody to cover up your pain. That is why, after the initial euphoria has passed, there is so much unhappiness, so much pain in intimate relationships. They do not cause pain and unhappiness. They bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in you. Every addiction does that. Every addiction reaches a point where it does not work for you anymore, and then you feel the pain more intensely than ever.

For some of you, reading this might be extremely difficult, which perhaps suggests your ego is creating resistance to what Tolle is discussing. For others, this might resonate with you suggesting you have already commenced this spiritual journey. In regards to what Tolle has written, I was fortunate to experience a glimpse of this. I don’t want to call it “true love” because that is my ego’s need to label it and thus, identify with it. When meeting the last individual I was seeing, I did not experience that overwhelmingly powerful sense of want and need. I enjoyed her company, and she mine. I was content with just being and not labelling whatever we were. I wasn’t attached to her, and nor her to me. It just was what it was. This lasted about a month, maybe two until we spent significant time together. After this time, and an amazing time at that, something had shifted within me. And it was my ego. I was now attached to her and this “feeling”. I wanted to be with her. I was clingy. Needy. And ultimately, suffering because I couldn’t have what I wanted. I was no longer content with just “being.” This state arose to, much like Tolle discussed, conflicts and dissatisfaction. I fortunately withdrew myself from the situation because I sensed the imbalance within. I could no longer serve her and nor she to me given my need for more. So ultimately, my ego hindered the procession of this interaction.

So although this interaction did not have the fairytale ending with both of us remaining in each other’s lives, it was my first experience of something pure. Something beyond the realm of wanting and needing. Something conscious. Something that was balanced. Something that contributed to a higher sense of self and being. Something that truly brought out an inner peace in both her and I. To me, that is what true love is. I am beyond grateful to have experienced that, and albeit brief, it awakened me to the kind of interactions I hope to have in the future. The kind of partner I hope to share my life with.

The “true love” that Tolle discusses is not confined to intimate relationships and can exist within the realms of friendships. And I have experienced that. Just the other day I was spending time with my Norwegian friend, Ida, and we were discussing this. We discussed how much we enjoy each other’s company because it’s as though we’re receiving all the reinforcement from social interaction, whilst also feeling like we’re alone and not spending time with anyone. This is seemingly a paradox, but in reality, it’s a compliment to our connection – we both feel completely at peace within ourselves in the others’ presence. We do not feel obligated to entertain or act a certain way, instead we allow the other to just be whilst also just being ourselves. To me, these are the interactions I encourage and attempt to surround myself around. I attempt to surround myself with individuals that I do not have to feel “on” with, who accept me wholeheartedly, and who are not attached to me in any way. What do I mean by this? Within friendships, it’s common for a party to become upset when they haven’t heard from another friend in a while – it’s as though the friend needs to contact the other friend to maintain that friendship. But, as Tolle discusses, this is not then “true love” because true love has no opposite. It has no needs. It has no wants. All it has is acceptance, “The greatest catalyst for change in a relationship is complete acceptance of your partner as he or she is, without needing to judge or change them in any way,” (Tolle, p. 154). Remember that saying, “Someone will love you just the way you are,”? Well, if someone tries to change you, ask yourself this, Is this the kind of love I want? The kind of love in which I cannot be myself? If my partner is trying to change me, does he/she really love me, then? Is this really love at all? Love, to me, is a wholehearted acceptance of another individual. It’s unconditional. But it can only be achieved through consciousness and diffusion of the ego.

So what can I challenge you with today? Firstly, I challenge you to determine what your type is. And if you don’t know, ask a friend. Or ask a therapist. Really consider the people you have been attracted to and what it was about them that lured you in. Look beyond their physical and superficial characteristics. Who did you become when you were with them? Did you become submissive? Are you attracted then, to dominant, authoritarian, and controlling figures? Once you determine your type you can be aware of it moving forward. This awareness is key in preventing potentially toxic cycles from repeating themselves. My next challenge to you is to not go for the individual that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, but to the individual who makes you feel nothing. Because within nothing is peace. Stillness. True love. A love that has no opposite. The kind of love that continues to serve you, rather than oscillating between love and hate and destructive cycles. Because remember, if things can be that good, they can, and will, also be that bad. Good cannot exist without bad; they coexist and are interdependent on one another. And if you are in a relationship right now that fluctuates between these cycles, I challenge you to bring forth presence and not to react to your partner’s ego. Being in the Now is the surest way to eradicate the ego and its unconscious manifestation. Without the ego, there is no pain. There is no suffering. There is just love.

It’s not about the money

I felt seen last night. Understood too. Not on all levels, but on a level. The energy I exerted resonated with the table I was serving, but in particular with the woman, Lori. Let me first depict the atmosphere. Much like any other regular Saturday night, I was at work. Unlike every other Saturday night, I didn’t have any tables – my section was the patio. And it’s spring. And that means beautifully sunny afternoons, but brisk and chilly nights. Between my co-worker and I, whom I was sharing the patio with, we only had two tables between us in three hours. Just as I was about to ask my manager if I could please go home, I was sat with a table of four. I was conflicted with a desire to leave and my desire to work. I contemplated, albeit momentarily, giving the table to my co-worker so I could gracefully be excused from work and making no money. But I didn’t. I chose to stay and greeted the table with enthusiasm. I immediately apologised in advance for the inevitable hovering that might occur given the slow nature of my night. Before I could even take their drink order, we began conversing about our heritage, mine being Dutch and Czechoslovakian (hence my European nose which sparked the heritage interest), and theirs Italian. They introduced themselves and explained how they knew each other; there was the former son-in-law, James, the father-in-law, Tony, his wife, Gloria, and the landlord of both of them, Lori. Somehow I was posed the question, “What are you passionate about?” To which I responded, “Well, soccer makes me feel alive, but I am unable to play it given my knees. I’m also extremely passionate about psychology, the brain, and people.” Boom. Connection established. Tony himself is extremely passionate about psychology. We started to discuss the power in positive thinking and how, given the high vibrational frequency in which it operates, it can have preventative properties as opposed to negative, low vibrational frequency thinking, which manifests illnesses. He recommended a book, The Biology of Belief: Unleashing the Power of Consciousness, after disclosing how his wife had survived cancer, a miracle as he described, but accomplished because of his belief in her survival.

After somehow managing to find a few brief pauses in conversation, I was able to take their orders. Upon returning, I was greeted with flattering compliments. They stated that I am very confident and well put-together. They then asked if I had a man in my life. I gracefully responded with a no and they insisted that I will find the “right guy” in time. Tony stated that if he had a son, he would certainly set me up. I think it was at this moment that I realised their religious affiliation. And not in a negative sense by any means, just that that is what they believe; a man and a woman, that is what is natural. Before that moment I had considered sharing this blog, but I was now mildly cautious given the content of my blog. In particular, my sexual preference being that of women and not of men as they evidently thought.

They proceeded to move inside after their entrees to continue drinking and talking in the warmth of the heated restaurant rather than battling the chilly air of a Georgian spring night. We returned our focus back to that of positive thinking. Tony mentioned that he struggles to understand people who are not motivated and who essentially fall into these “negative slumps” and can’t get themselves out. And let me clarify, this wasn’t a man judging those who were in those positions, but merely seeking an explanation for how they remained “stuck”. I explained that one of the primary symptoms of depression is hopelessness. There comes a point when you just give up. Learned helplessness is a conditioned response to continual failures. The mentality becomes, why try if I’m just going to fail anyway? So they stop trying. I then proceeded to explain when I was suicidal a year beforehand. I was stuck in a dark place and I couldn’t get out. And any time someone said “just be positive” it seemed to diminish the struggle I was facing. It’s not that simple. Depression isn’t that simple. It’s complicated. It’s a struggle. It’s an illness. No different from someone suffering from cancer, except you can’t see it. It’s an invisible illness and that’s why it kills so many people in the form of suicide.

In an earlier conversation, Tony had alluded to the fact that 5% of our thinking is conscious and 95% is subconscious or unconscious. I explained that given that the majority of our life is lived unconsciously, we are governed then by our habits. Negative thinking is a habit. In order to change the habit, we must first catch it when it is happening. And this is done through awareness. Once you become aware of it, then you can start to change it. But it is only through practice and discipline that we can create lasting changes to our thoughts. That is why so few people reach enlightenment or lasting happiness. Because they must practice it every day.

After this conversation, I was once again greeted with overwhelmingly flattering compliments. I was told that I have an old soul, one of the oldest that they have encountered. I was also told that I was the most enlightened 22 year old they have come across. All very, very humbling statements. I was then asked, “What is it that I am looking for in a guy?” And at that very moment, I had a choice to make. Do I risk being judged by being honest and potentially confronting some of their beliefs on homosexuality, or do I neglect to mention my sexual preference to preserve this idealistic image they might have created? I chose the former. And I chose to share my blog. I responded with a question, “What if it isn’t a guy that I am looking for?” Okay. Nothing. I watched their behaviour closely and nothing significantly changed. I know it didn’t make them feel comfortable, but they seemingly accepted it. But with Lori, however, I just spoke a language that spoke to her. She broke out into a discreet smile. And I sense that her heart warmed a little. Something about my openness with my sexuality resonated with her and I would later find out why.

I crossed a bridge with my openness and authenticity that encouraged Tony to do the same. He then confessed a few things he has struggled with to which I am beyond grateful he felt safe enough to do so. We started then to discuss religion. Lori was picking up what I was putting down, I sensed that she entirely understood my perspective. The other three, however, had a slightly more challenging time, but were still extremely receptive to my perspective and I to theirs. I questioned why we have to label ourselves as agnostic, Christian, Catholic, Jewish etc., because at the end of the day, do all religions not essentially promote the same thing: love? Is that not the central premise of all religions? If yes, why then, must we create labels to separate ourselves from one human to the next if we all essentially believe in the same thing? Does separation not encourage anything but hatred and contempt? To me, we are all humans. We are all the same. Whether you believe in God or not does not matter to me. I will love you regardless and that’s simply because at the most basic, simple level, we are all the same. Lori shared that she has read a similar theory, that all religions are based on the same premise, on the same energy, it is just the way we have been raised that determines what we identify with because we know no different. But, again, she agreed the principles are all the same.

I shared with them an excerpt from The Book by Alan Watts which really resonated with me. Once again, I did so cautiously because I knew this could potentially be difficult to stomach given their beliefs.

Irrevocable commitment to any religion is not only intellectual suicide; it is positive unfaith because it closes the mind to any new vision of the world. Faith is, above all, open-ness – an act of trust in the unknown.

An ardent Jehovah’s Witness once tried to convince me that if there were a God of love, he would certainly provide mankind with a reliable and infallible textbook for the guidance of conduct. I replied that no considerate God would destroy the human mind by making it so rigid and unadaptable as to depend upon one book, the Bible, for all the answers.

What Alan Watts is saying (and in 1966 might I add) is not that he doesn’t believe in a God, but that identifying with any particular religion closes one’s mind to the world and alternate perspectives, thus narrowing one’s ability to learn and adapt. Tony’s response to this was that as an intellect, one must consider different perspectives. And that this book, was just one man’s perspective and if I am going to read this, then I have to read the Bible too. I challenged him though and stated, is the Bible not just a series of different people’s opinions? What makes what is said in the Bible any more superior than what Alan Watts is stating in this book? It is impossible to read every person’s perspective. The reason however, that I like what Alan Watts stated is because of his inclusiveness. His open-mindedness. He challenges whether religion really allows that inclusiveness to occur, again, because of people’s need to identify solely with one particular religion. And identification is really just the ego and not actually our conscious, authentic selves.

Throughout the evening, all of them mentioned that I was special and that God was saving me for something big. He stated that I was to be “a warrior of Christ”. This is not the first time that I have heard this, nor do I take offense in what some might consider a projection of their beliefs on to me. Because I know that that isn’t what their intentions are. I have stated that I do not have a relationship with God because I have not felt the need nor desire to and that might change. To which they agreed. But I also said, but it also might not change. And I challenged them to consider that perhaps I might not ever have a place for God in my life. Who really knows? I guess that’s where faith comes in.

Tony handed me his card about his story with his wife. He wants to be a motivational speaker and asked me whether I think he will be successful. I answered with, we don’t know anything for certain. The future is no different. I stated that he might struggle if his intentions to speak are primarily to become “successful” and famous because that is something that is beyond one’s control. I had to be clear about my intentions with my blog – ideally, I would love for my blog to go big and to reach a lot of people. But that wasn’t my primary intention. My primary intention was to externalise my internal thoughts – an outlet for myself that I hoped might resonate with others and potentially help them too. So much of who we reach is beyond our control. We can obviously market ourselves and promote ourselves, but we are not in control of becoming “famous”. The universe is. I also stated, in alignment with what Liz Gilbert discusses in Big Magic, that putting pressure on creativity kills creativity. Inspiration occurs naturally and cannot be forced. Speaking to influence others or become famous, that’s forcing; it’s extrinsic. Speaking from your heart, that’s natural. That’s intrinsic. That’s within your control.

I am extremely grateful for last night’s interaction. Not only were the conversations challenging, but they were enlightening too. These individuals saw me for the individual I was. I also sensed they understood the struggle throughout my life to feel understood given the depth and intellect of my discussions. I was able to discuss some somewhat uncomfortable topics with them because of who they are and where they are at in their life. Tony is an extremely centred individual. He identifies as a Christian, yes, but securely. He is extremely secure within his beliefs, so much so that when I challenged them, it did not come across as a personal attack nor did he feel the need to defend himself. All of which allowed for civil, intellectual discussions. And for that, I am grateful. I am grateful too for their time, their respect, and their understanding. As I mentioned before, I felt seen. I felt comfortable. I felt understood. And I long for connections like that.

I woke up this morning (afternoon actually) to an overwhelmingly beautiful and generous email from Lori. She disclosed that she is recently recovering from a very difficult break up and briefly explained the circumstances in which she was at dinner last night. And then she mentioned she has a transgender kid, a girl transitioning to a boy. She believes I can have a positive impact on her child’s life and that, to me, is an exceptional compliment and one I am very flattered to receive. I titled this post, “It’s not about the money,” to explain why I am a server. I am a waitress not because it often pays more than the $7.25 minimum wage Georgia offers, but because of this. Because of the interactions I am so fortunate to encounter. Because of the connections I form. Because of the often times overwhelmingly beautiful people I meet. And she was one of them. Being open, authentic, and vulnerable allows for connections like this to form. It allows us as humans to unite. Because at the end of the day, we all want the same things; to love and be loved in return. Along with that comes happiness and avoidance of suffering. There is comfort to be found when we can connect with others who understand that. And that is exactly what I found in her.

Please note: Some of the names in this post have been changed out of respect for the individuals discussed.