THE PAIN OF BEING MISUNDERSTOOD

when i was a kid, i always felt like there was something wrong with me. aside from my sexuality, i seemed to care about things many others didn't. i had no interest in boys (or girls for that matter). no interest in partying. no interest in small talk. no interest in imaginary play. i cared about what was real. i cared about feelings. i cared about people's stories. i believed, and still believe, that you can get almost anyone to open up to you if you ask the right questions.

and that's something i did. and still do. i ask questions. hard questions. i ask because i'm not afraid of the answer. i ask to challenge; to assist others in considering things from an alternate perspective. but this sort of probing can be confrontational. it can be threatening to people who aren't ready to be questioned. people take it as a threat to their identity, to their character rather than welcoming it as an opportunity for growth and self-reflection.

and often, that's what people have misperceived me as: a threat. instead of being viewed as someone with a curious mind seeking to understand, i've often been labelled as judgemental, preachy, and too deep/emotional. my sports psychologist in the states introduced me to the concept of a walking mirror - someone who, unintentionally by the way they live their life, holds a mirror up to others which highlights their inadequacies, their insecurities. and instead of people reflecting on these feelings, they project their defensiveness onto the person holding the mirror. the person who has done nothing other than be themselves.

this is what i have experienced on more than one occasion. i have been the target for hatred, for betrayal, for nastiness. i have had rumours started and spread about me that have destroyed relationships. i have had many things said about me that completely contradict the person that i am and the person i try to be. and that hurts. it hurts when the things we pride ourselves the most on, on being understanding and compassionate, are used against you. and as much as i consciously know and reason that this is a reflection of others rather than me, i can't deny the pain still hurts. and i can't deny it feels invalidating of the person i am.

so the next time you dislike someone - ask yourself why. what is it about that person you dislike? what feelings are they bringing up within you? what we dislike about others is usually highlighting a deficiency within ourselves - identify that. admit that. get curious about that. all hatred stems from jealousy and all jealousy stems from insecurity. so, what are you feeling insecure about?

SO, WHAT DO YOU DO?

our culture is centred around 'what' we do rather than 'who' we are. how many times have you been asked 'so, who are you? what kind of person are you?' if you’re like most people, then the answer is probably not many times. instead, we often get asked, 'so, what do you do?' even entry forms into Australia require you to state your occupation - why is this information relevant?

am i the only person who feels overwhelmed by that question? or who doesn't know how to answer it? since quitting my 'paid' job earlier this year, i've struggled with answering that question. what do i do for work? well, not much. but i feel i do a lot. but the problem is, it's a lot of unconventional, unstructured work. so who am i? am i a public speaker? a writer? a facilitator? a soccer player? what is my identity? it makes me feel uneasy when i get asked that question because my answer isn't straight forward - it requires explanation. but do people really care? do they really want to know? why do i feel uneasy talking about something i feel so passionately about? is it because we're only asked what our 'occupation' is; singular? as though we only have one thing we're good at - only one purpose? humans are more complex than how we've been conditioned to both ask and answer questions. a conditioning that is both limiting and futile. a conditioning that can make individuals feel inadequate because they're being judged on a singular component when the reality is, we are multi-faceted creatures.

so how do we overcome this? start asking expanding questions - questions that require reflection and explanation. questions like, what brings you joy? what makes you angry? what's your favourite part about the work you do? you'll learn more about someone by asking these questions compared to 'what do you do?'

WHAT IS LOVE?

i've been reflecting a little bit on partnerships and what love is / what you want / need from a partner. i think about my own relationship - what else could a person possibly want/need? i have safety, patience, understanding, warmth, connection, and acceptance. that to me is love. love isn't the sex; that's an expression of intimacy, but a small one. intimacy is in friendship. in all the moments sharing your life with that other person.

i compare love to how i treat my water bottle. it leaks, but it still works. it's been like that since i got it. instead of getting a new one, getting rid of it, or fixing it, i've accepted it. and i've adjusted my life to accommodate its flaws. i just make sure i leave it upright and not with papers it can ruin. despite taking these measures, does the water bottle still occasionally ruin papers or books? absolutely. because it's in the water bottle's nature to leak; but it's not it's fault.

love isn't about fixing someone. love is about accepting, adjusting, and accommodating to another's needs. it's about learning what someone needs to 'function' and providing an environment in which that person can still flourish, despite their leaky flaws.