THE VALUE OF TRAVEL

travelling is transformative. it transports you to another world, another culture, another perspective. and when you return 'home', home all of a sudden feels less complete. less exciting. less fulfilling.

i've recently returned from a two and a half week trip to Zambia with my family and i'm currently experiencing the aforementioned feelings. whilst away, i was injected with a richness that wasn't monetary. it was a richness for a different way of living. although part of the richness was undoubtedly due to where we went and the people we met, a lot of the richness came from who we went with and how we spent that time.

every day was much the same in structure - 5:15am wake up, 6-11am safari, 11:30am lunch, 12:30pm-2:30pm read/swim/nap, 3:30-7:30pm safari, 8pm dinner, 9:30pm bed. so it would be easy to become bored, especially once those more elusive animals (leopards, lions. hunting dogs) had been sighted. but this is where one's company influences your experience. i was fortunate to go with my family - something i was admittedly more excited about than seeing wild animals. my family cared about seeing those elusive animals, as anyone does, but they had what many others didn't - an appreciation for all animals. an excitement for all animals. 14 days on safari can easily become mundane, but when there's a genuine excitement for a baby puku, or two impalas fighting, or a giraffe sitting down, or a hippo running, or the 30th squirrel, the monotony is never experienced.

a lot of my fondness from this trip is attributed to my family. to seeing the way they interacted with others. the way my brother embraced and learnt the local language. the way my other brother kept things fresh by implementing 'odds' of seeing certain animals. the joy and sparkle in my parent's eyes as they saw things they had yet to see on previous African adventures. but i think the best part about all of this was their presence. minimal wifi meant we were all there, all the time. we were content with just 'being'. there wasn't a rush, nor a need to share what we had seen with others back home - all of that could wait. we were fully immersed in our African experience and i think that is what made it what it was.

i've been home for nearly a week and i find myself constantly questioning; is this it? is this what every day of your life is going to look like? i've never been one to crave travel; i've always enjoyed the stability of being in one location and the company of my cats. but having travelled with my family and having enjoyed the immersive experience, i feel itchy for more. there's so much to learn and discover from other parts of the world. things that cannot be learnt from books or from others. there's a richness in travelling that cannot be substituted with money. a richness that is fulfilling. a richness that is transformative. a richness that i now crave.

THE CURSE OF 30

over the years i've had countless friends who seem to experience an existential crisis when they near the age of 30. at the time, which was my early 20s, i could never comprehend the feeling. i was content with my life, my direction, my identity. i was in the process of completing a bachelor of science in psychology, i was working as a waitress, i was coaching, playing tennis, indoor soccer, and i was living in another country. i was living. and i had my entire 20s to continue doing so. fast forward 8 years and those feelings of contentment have all but dissipated.

i am now 29. i quit my job at the start of the year to pursue writing a book that i've wanted to write for 7 years. i'm trying to promote a business of equipping individuals with skills to better support others. i'm in a healthy, stable relationship. and i'm still playing soccer. but i'm severely unfulfilled.

when i reflect on my 20s, i start to question, what have i done? what have i achieved? what am i doing now, that i wasn't doing nearly 10 years ago? what have i learnt? how have i grown and developed?

when i project into my 30s, i become paralysed with fear. is this what i want the rest of my life to look like? is this the business i want to run for the rest of my life? if not, what else are you going to do? how can you live a life of meaning? how long are you going to keep playing soccer for? when do you think you're going to travel? when are you going to start thinking about kids? when are you going to grow up?

i always knew i didn't want to work a 9-5 because i struggle with monotony. that's why i preferred restaurant work over cafe work - the hours were stable, but unpredictable. it wasn't the same thing every day. but when i look to the future, that sense of stability sounds appealing. i've now been unemployed for over three months and the daily internal conflict i'm fighting is consuming me. the worst part is, i don't know what the solution is. returning to hospitality seems a logical suggestion, but a mind-numbing one. i left hospitality to do more. to be more. but what that more looks like, i've been struggling to answer.

the prospect of turning 30 is daunting. not only are there societal expectations of having your life together, but there's a biological clock of having kids. not just your own biological clock, but those of your parents too. having kids early enough so they can actively enjoy being grandparents. i fully acknowledge putting pressure on yourself is counterproductive in finding fulfillment, but without the distractions in my life that i have formerly had, i'm left with not much more than my thoughts.

so it's safe to say, i think i'm experiencing my own existential crisis.

SOMETIMES A WILLINGNESS IS NOT ENOUGH

a few weeks ago, a situation came up between my partner and me. my partner was trying to explain her perspective and her reasoning, but no matter how much i wanted to understand, i just couldn't.

in retrospect, i suspect my inability to understand and to empathise was hindered by a fog of pain. i was able to rationalise her perspective, but i wasn't able feel her perspective. my head understood, but my heart did not. my heart was hurting.

in the moments of silence between our conversations, i found myself continuing to reflect on this situation. why can't i let this go? why does it bother me so much? but these questions were often answered with reaction and defensiveness; i was trying to justify my hurt. i wasn't able to see past my pain, no matter how much i wanted to. so how did i get past that block?

from a different situation. my mum received a message from someone she hadn't heard from in a while and i saw how much it meant to her. in that moment, i was able to see what my partner was trying to communicate; i finally understood her perspective. would i have been able to understand if i hadn't see this reaction from my mum? probably not. because i had a block with my partner; i couldn't see past my pain - no matter how much i wanted to. and sometimes, that's life. sometimes no matter how much you want something, you need something else, something not within your control, in order to achieve your desired outcome.

i've written about this with regards to hard work - often we need more than just hard work to achieve our goals; we need luck and an opportunity. in this situation, i needed more than just a willingness to understand. i needed a comparable situation; an opportunity. and i was given that. but i also had the openness and willingness which when combined with the opportunity allowed me to achieve the desired outcome; to understand.

sometimes just having the willingness is not enough. sometimes we need an opportunity too. quite often though, these opportunities are not within your control - all you can control is your receptiveness to them when they finally present. so how are you being open to those opportunities within your own life? and how can these opportunities help you to understand something in other areas of your life in which you feel stuck?